Overheard:
5yo : you think I’m ugly
6yo: a little bit yes, but mostly no
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Asked my dad and uncle why they weren’t chatting and my uncle goes “we’re done chatting for today” and my dad nods and they continue watching tv in silence
Enough with the fist bumping. I never understand what is happening. This time I held my hands open because I thought he was giving me M&Ms
Who else holds a fridge door open like you’re waiting for some answers?
[looking at wife’s tombstone]
today would’ve been our anniversary
*falls to knees*
why did I pre-buy her tombstone causing her to divorce me
if I’m ever feeling lonely and I need someone to talk to me, I just announce to my spouse or kids that I’m about to take a nap
DOG 911: What’s your emer-
DOG: THERE’S WRAPPING PAPER EVERYWHERE
DOG 911: for you to tear up and eat?
DOG: NO THEY’RE THROWING IT ALL AWAY
DOG 911: OMG
DOG: OMG
Me: who’s that?
Me: who’s that?
Me: who’s that?
Me: who’s that?
Me: who’s that?
Me: who’s that?
Me: why are you leaving?-me, watching an Avengers movie with my family
Hey small town pharmacy workers. I’m gonna need you to stop yelling about my meds as I am most certainly surrounded by former teachers, ex boyfriends, and/or relatives.
7-year-old: What’s for dessert?
Me: Eat your dinner first.
7: I need a goal.
I’m 38 and still have no idea what to do with my hands while I’m being arrested.
I did errands without my phone and it took 6 days, 17 hours and 59 minutes less time.
The auto parts store is like ‘get our free app’ as if I’m buying parts everyday. I only need this one thing.
I touch myself when I think of you.
It’s a facepalm, but I am thinking of you.
My phone:
My phone:
My phone:
My phone:
My hands: holding anything messy.
My phone: *ring*
I guess the creator of Pop Rocks was like:
Sugar isn’t enough, they need to detonate
Boyfriend and Boy friend…..
See that little space between the second one?
Thats called the friend zone!
Tweet about drinking too much = 50 quick likes
Facebook about drinking too much = A phone call from my mom
If they can put a man on the moon they can make a pair of glasses that scream before you sit on them
Why does life keep trying to teach me patience? I don’t want to learn patience!
Husband: [shrugs] I just feel sexier when I leave a little landing strip.
Wife: Finish mowing the damned yard.
I am bringing 21 tamales to Thanksgiving because it’s the year 2021 and also because I ate three of them already.
At first I thought my daughter was sick because she was sluggish and laid on the couch on her phone all day, but then I realized those were just symptoms of day 4 of Christmas break.
Peanut brittle, because you have a craving for peanut butter and ceramic tile.
I just found out that all the different colors in Fruit Loops are the same flavor, and now I don’t know what’s real anymore
My swear jar is overflowing with IOUs that no bank will guarantee.
I’m sorry my dog nipped your ankles, but in all fairness you do have squirrels on your socks.
I see dead people. Although according to the charge sheet, the law refers to it as necrophilia.
I hated Sex Ed at school. Or ‘Sexy Edward’, to give him his full name.
Why would Sally sell seashells by the seashore? There are plenty there that are free. Just walk and you are bound to find at least 40. Idiot