3:27 am is a fine time to walk around on someone’s back
– my cat
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*Calling from the bakery
Me: “Honey, can I get you something: a muffin, eclair, a cupcake?”
Her: “Surprise me!”
Me: “I think I’m gay”
My wife isn’t international so we don’t celebrate
ME *enters new password*
COMPUTER: Ok
M: Aren’t u going tell me it’s too weak?
C: I’ve seen your life & more criticism just seems unkind
This is not my forté. It’s not even my threeté if I’m being honest.
I’m so thrilled hockey is starting I could nap
Y’all will never guess what her husband bought her. I’m hollering!!
“How many volunteers do we have for my evil army?”
384 my liege
“Ok, round them up”
400 my liege
accidentally emailed my crush a bunch of pics of me in my karate uniform again
“boys are only interested in one thing” yes and that thing is artisanal olive oils
I understand how batteries feel cause I’m rarely ever included in things either.
my wife: [hand on coffin] I just miss you so much
me: let me out then
It’s perfectly normal to shave your legs just from the top of your boots to the hem of your dress, right?
I’d enjoy therapy a lot more if it included cocktails and a light snack.
do you swear to tell the truth the whole truth and nothing but the truth
“starting now?”
yes
“the judge looks like squints from the sandlot”
me: I always get shy around beautiful women
friend: just tell her
cashier: hi
me: *quiet mumbling*
cashier: what?
me: ᴵ ˢᵃⁱᵈ ᵗʰᵉʳᵉ’ˢ ᵃ ᵈᵉᵃᵈ ᵇᵒᵈʸ ⁱⁿ ʸᵒᵘʳ ᵈᵘᵐᵖˢᵗᵉʳ
[throws grenade into enemy trench]
Me: shit, give that back. That was an avocado
-So YOU’RE the mother of this girl called..(checks notes) ..Riding Hood?
-Yes! Something happened to my beloved ch..
– Are you kidding me? You’re under arrest
Licorice: for when you feel like edible Tupperware
Why do girls keep having periods when they hate them? Just stop having them , do what makes you happy ❤️
the most audacious part of the trojan horse plan must’ve been trying to keep all the soldiers inside from giggling so much
In my trunk is a tire iron, a box of human hair, and a bottle of Grey Goose. I’m always prepared for an impromptu crime scene tampering.
My professor handed back our 3 page film essays to my surprise I got a C after class I asked her why “you were supposed to write it about the movie The Emperor of Time.. you wrote it on The Emperor’s new Groove but it was kinda good so I didn’t fail you” so thats how im doing
“Why don’t you have kids yet?” is a great question, ma’am, but I’m saving that conversation for the right total stranger at this gym.
*limping in, covered in makeshift bandages*
Wife: Ready to admit that a puma does not make a good housecat?
Me: He’s just lonely. We need another puma.
Who called them mermaids and not scale models?
TEACHER: Its report card day Timmy
TIMMY: I’m scared to look.
TEACHER: Don’t worry. It’s all B’s lol
*opens it & gets engulfed by bees*
I’m so excited to have the kids home from college until that first trip to the grocery store.
My rap name is Weapons of Mass Destruction because you go in thinking I’m going to destroy you but it turns out I’ve got absolutely nothing.
sometimes i remember i was part of the nsa hack back in spring / that all my data is currently floating around china and i’m like “cool”
Taking inventory at a granite warehouse is counter productive.