Old stoners don’t die. They blow this joint.
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Why is being alive so expensive? I’m not even having a good time.
One time someone told me the camera adds 10 pounds and I was like why would anyone eat a camera you idiot?
[bug school]
TEACHER: okay class, who knows the first 2 letters of the alphabet
A BEE: *proudly raises hand*
[first day as diving instructor]
Guy [from the back]: what’s the signal for a shark
Me: sharks don’t really give signals they just show up
I told my sandwich to “go make me a girlfriend”
My pal said, “Cheer up, you could be stuck underground in a hole full of water.”
I know he means well.
My relationship with tea has always been strained.
Daughter: What does gays mean?
Me: Well you know mum and dad love each other – two men can love each other the same way
Her: So what’s ‘penetrating gays’?
Me: Er… read me the whole sentence
Her: “She stared at him with a penetrating gaze”
Me: Oh
i made my dad a beetloaf and he tried to run me over with his van
The power of art = theory.
The power of power = praxis.
The the of the = philosophy.
Doctor: “You are gonna hear the pitter-patter of tiny feet.”
Kim: “I’m pregnant?!”
Doc: “No-”
*a tiny monkey walks in*
“This is my nurse.”
honey, i think the milk’s gone bad
“i only bought it yesterday”
yeah well, look at this..
*milk is running a meth lab in the fridge*
I’m in a bad mood right now so I’m hoping to hear some good news about something bad happening to someone I hate.
I always wanted to be an anesthesiologist but I gave up that dream because I couldn’t figure out how to spell it.
Squirrels before girls.
My two favorite things about Easter morning are (1) hiding the eggs and (2) the looks on my kids’ faces when the snakes start to hatch.
Bryan Adams: 🎵 Can’t stop this thing we starrrrted 🎵
Guy in next urinal: Dude, please.
Whoever has my voodoo doll can you give it a job
me: [in bed, hears a weird noise] wtf was that?!
dracula: [bursts out of my closet]
me: did you hear that too?!
dracula: yeah wtf was that?!
pretty sure the fire pigeons aren’t gonna care about your silly little sign
sky writing doesn’t always have to be positive, come on people
[Snake family queueing to get on the train]
[They spot Samuel L Jackson already on board]
SNAKE DAD: Not this shit again.
Although we’ve been together for 30+ years, my wife discovered only yesterday that I actually do quite a passable Charles impersonation.
It’s completely revolutionised our lovemaking, I tell you.
Wife *yelling from other room* you’re making bread? Why are you making bread?
Me: Everyone in lockdown is doing it
Duck *holding gun* good answer
I’ve been banned from the starwars subreddit for repeatedly referring to C3PO as “the aluminum foil”
The moment you throw a piece of boiling spaghetti on your wall, to see if it sticks,
is the moment you realise, random spaghetti boiling advice is radommnly valid
Found my 7yo vacuuming his room before school, so I guess the aliens switched him in the night
I get all my cardio by crying when someone calls me ma’am at the gym.
I’m working on a movie about the life of Pennywise the clown after he quits killing kids to pursue a career in sticky notes called: Post-It
[speaking at an AA meeting]
Me: You’ll find the transition from hard liquor to hard drugs expensive, but very rewarding
*everyone cheers*