Me: *from downstairs* what’s it called when a word describes the sound something makes?
Her: it’s onomatopoeia.
Me: on what mat up there?
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parenting hack: take your kids to the park then just leave them there. start a new life. be you. enjoy traveling again. make new friends that don’t care what color the cup or bowl is. you don’t need that negativity in your life. be free.
Coworker: did you have a good weekend?
Me: obviously not since I came back to work.
I have patio furniture in the friend zone.
#YouHadOneJob #SuperBowlXLIX
Gf: why have you been googling ‘can you milk a hamster’
Me: *wipes milk from mouth* it was for a tweet
911: What is your emergency?
Me: I love you.911: Hang up.
Me: No you hang up.911: Stop.
Me: This is so us.
japanese corn
One of my most strongly held beliefs is that if you push down hard enough on anyone’s shoulders extra hair will start piping out of their head like a play-doh barbershop set
who needs a boyfriend when you could be surrounded by beautiful lizards, all kinds of lizards, so many lizards
I was taking my diazepam before my flight and the Swiss guy in the seat next to me saw and guessed I was nervous, so he asked me if I liked cats and then showed me a photo of a cat dressed as a pilot and said “I heard he’s flying our plane, I think we can trust him” 😭
If Liam Neeson keeps starring in the same film pretty soon he’s going to be Taken 4: Granted
Lucifer: what if we make lots of bugs?
God: love it, it’s done!
[3 days later]
Lucifer: how was your trip to earth?
God: *covered in bug bites* i’m moving your office to the basement.
rapatouille
Pregnancy test that says, “Your cart has 1 item in it”
I just want what every middle-aged person wants: to remember what it was that I wanted
Cop: so are you guys in some sort of polyamorous sex thing?
Raphael: what? no we’re brothers.
Cop: oh. It’s just with the matching outfits I thought-
Leonardo: no we like girls. human girls
Cop: is that… is that less weird?
True story: A coworker once asked if I’d seen her earmuffs. Noticing she was actually wearing them, I said, “I think the boss said he found a pair. Go ask him.” (I’m evil.) 😆
I can’t think of a single email that have ever found me well.
how many times did you see your kids tonight after you put them to bed and why is it 87 times?
My daughter just asked me how to spell bourbon so she’s either asking Santa to hook up her old man or writing a letter to child services.
Is there a Twitter acronym for “Ur screenshot tweet is really funny, but my anxiety about ur phone battery % prevents me from enjoying it”?
I have my own hand stamper at home so my coworkers will think I went someplace fun the night before.
If you want to suddenly be surrounded by small children & animals, crinkle a candy wrapper.
My sleep apnea was diagnosed at a staff meeting.
*holds pen ready*
“How many zeros in one million?”
“Six”
“Ok, thanks”
*writes milli000000n*
My 89 year old mom asked if I was on that “Tic-tac-toe” site.
“Dad, I’ve heard that in some parts of Africa a man doesn’t know his wife until he marries her.”
“Son, that happens everywhere!”
If I had a time machine I would go back to the Star Wars era and kill baby Darth Vader