A man caught me applying chap stick, so I just started eating it so it wouldn’t be weird.
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One time I was really high and attempted to flush my foot down the toilet. There was no Twitter then, so I’m telling you now.
I feel like maybe I shouldn’t have eaten that last taco 🤔
It’s been 6 months since I joined the gym and no progress. I’m going there in person tomorrow to see what’s really going on.
‘Why do people even talk to babies? It’s not like they can understand anything’ I ask my dog.
I’m not saying breakfast tacos are the cure but I’ve had breakfast tacos every day for 2 weeks and I’m COVID19 free, you do the math.
Bought a bag of frozen chopped onions because wedding confetti should be biodegradable and bird safe.
I go to the same coffee shop twice every morning, 1st with my dogs, right out of bed, second on my way to work after I have brushed my hair and put on makeup.
I’m fairly certain thr barista thinks I’m 2 different people.
Why, yes, I am dressed for the weather.
I am wearing a house.
My doctor says I need to up my potassium intake and now on top of everything else I need to learn to mine bananas and avocados
Autoerotic asphyxiation? No thanks, I’m not much of a car guy.
Son:Dad’s trick or treating as a ghost in a bed sheet?
Wife:& heels,eye patch & his hand stuck in a Nutella jar. More like a ghost on ambien
GOD: How many animals left to make?
ANGEL: 2
G: Ok how many aerial locomotion abilities left?
A: 1
Flying Squirrel: Dibs!
Penguin: WHAT
[shark-filled moat]
ROBIN: golly, Batman, how can we distract them?
BATMAN: *pushing him in* we’ll think of something, chum
Last night my kids suggested I kill and eat someone to gain his strengths. I think I should start locking the door when I sleep.
This is why I avoid Dollar Tree crayons…
Zombies..stay away from junk people or you’ll gain a shit-ton of weight.
Slippers made out of Lego so that when you step on Lego you just get taller.
Why did they call it a diaper blowout and not a shituation.
I was wondering why Hoobastank chose that band name so I investigated it some and the reason is you.
gimma back my stick frost man… 😖☃️
Stop right there babe, you need permission to enter the pillow fort.
Me: “This Chardonnay is so nice, I can really taste the oaky undertones”
“Sir those are just chunks of cork from opening it with your keys”
Our 4yo played Among Us with her brother over break and on the way to school this morning she told me she can’t wait to call emergency meetings and tell everyone she’s the impostor and then kill someone in the cafeteria. So yeah, I’m feeling REAL proud of my parenting choices.
for someone that hates being touched, i sure do have a lot of kids.
awkward
Couldn’t afford a large screen tv this Christmas so I kept my current one but moved the couch 4 foot closer
If I’ve learned anything from children it’s that, no matter what, if you have two socks, you have a pair of socks
today i’m firing on all cylinders if the number of cylinders I have is zero cylinders in total
reminder