Plot Twist
Nigerian Prince won the Powerball jackpot and he’s emailing everyone now.
You Might Also Like
Lego better be trying to cure child cancer with how much their shit cost.
[first date]
Date: I like bad boys, and sensitive guys
Me: [slowly uncovers Golden Girls tattoo]
I have two options:
1) go and pick up my son from after school club and get absolutely soaked in the rain.
2) leave him there for the weekend.
[car wreck]
[hand reaches out]“Take my hand. I’m Chad Kroeger from the popular band Nickelback.”
[I let the flames slowly bake me alive]
I replaced all the fire extinguishers at work with air horns that sound like Seth Rogan’s laugh.
Justin Bieber’s home has now been thoroughly searched, but police have uncovered no evidence of talent.
I posted “Happy Almost Mother’s Day!” on this chick I grew up with’s Facebook page, guess I was the only one who remembered her abortion.
Dear Mom and Dad: Camp is awful and I want to go home. They haven’t let us go swimming even once, and I hate the orange jumpsuits they make us wear. Also, the counselors are mean and my cabin mate says he’s going to shank me. Making license plates is fun, though. Love, John.
my fitbit gives me like 1000 steps every time I sit and fold laundry and it’s just nice to finally be appreciated
I like to switch browsers as often as possible. They all prompt to make them the default browser. It feels nice to be fought over.
I’m “befuddled to learn that people make money on YouTube by just reacting to other people’s YouTube videos even though my son has explained this to me many times” years old.
[ spelling bee ]
judge: your word is feeling
me: can you use it in a sentence
judge: how are you feeling
me: ok
judge: wrong
*waking up to dog kisses*
Good morning…such a good boy…yes I love you too…you raided the garbage again didn’t you…
it’s not tv, it’s hbo. but here’s the thing, it’s also not hbo
ME [explaining Daylight Savings Time]: yeah, you can just do crimes. that entire hour DOES NOT count. legally speaking
#MeanwhileInCanada
So let me get this straight, she shot someone through the heart and the worst thing you can say about her is that she gives love a bad name?
Me: The worst thing about quarantine is that I’m running low on hot sauce.
BFF: Why you lying?
I’m not a womanizer! They were all women when I found them!
Slapping the TV remote on your knee extends the battery life.
It’s science.
I’m looking forward to being the last two people on Twitter.
A man 20 years my junior just stepped right in front of me without saying excuse me. So I tripped him and he fell down the stairs. I asked him if he was okay because I have manners.
Apparently when you donate blood, it has to be YOUR blood.
Wife: He’s just so literal all of the time, he gets so confused
Psychiatrist: Is this true?
Me: [worried] Are u really gonna make me shrink?
Happy Thanksgiving and remember, unless your turkey is applying for a passport, you don’t need to take a photo of it.
When someone talks about fallen arches I never think of feet.
I assume they’re referring to the decline of the Roman Empire or a freak accident at the local McDonald’s.
Me: I wish Inigo Montoya appeared everytime “literally” is misused and did his “You keep saying that word“ bit
Genie: That ones on the house
You know you’re single when the only calls you get at night are Nature’s.
chasing after a ping pong ball is wildly dehumanizing
A guy in Hawaii survived a shark attack while surfing by punching the shark in the face and I get scared to take a shower if I see a spider.