Q: What isn’t yours after you lick it?
A: Envelope
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doctor: here’s your x-ray
me: ew I look ugly in this one delete it take another
I visited my mother today. She thumped her dog on the nose for growling. My childhood makes a lot more sense now.
*goes to the gym*
*takes a selfie & posts it on Facebook for the wife to see*
*hurries to the bar*
My phone only recognizes my fingerprint if it has cheese on it
Just finished my taxes and it looks like I’ll be able to afford that vacation to the Outback…steakhouse that is.
Sex is great but have you ever told some dude that there wasn’t enough room for the two of you on a very large floating door after your ship sank to the bottom of the ocean on it’s maiden voyage?
Oh, you’re a parent? Then how many times have you moved a cup back from the edge of the table this week?
I’m surprised carving faces into vegetables after pulling out their innards isn’t incorporated into more American Holidays.
Me: welcome to my painting podcast
[wet slapping noises for 75 minutes]
Me: it’s a mountain
[Ancient Greek Dandruff Shampoo Commercial]
MEDUSA: *looking super embarrassed, trying to casually brush a bunch of shed snake skins off her shoulders*
If you ever ask me what my favorite of something is, it is guaranteed that I will forget everything I’ve ever loved, mumble some nonsense and run away.
My grandfather built his house with his bare hands.
I just groaned after I put my shoes on because now I have to tie them.
FBI: I can’t unlock my phone
Genius: is that a fake mustache over your mustache?
FBI into earpiece: Operation Twostache has been compromised
[describing criminal to sketch artist]
He had the elbows of a seasoned kayaker. He had a racist hairline.
The only difference between you and Harry Potter is that his magic wand actually works OOOOHHH BURRRRN
I noticed you just hit the snooze alarm. MEOW MEOW MEOW MEOW MEOW MEOW MEOW MEOW MEOW MEOW MEOW MEOW MEOWWWWW MEOW MEOW MEOW MEOW MEOW MEOW
welp
Never seen a bar fight break out while people are drinking wine. Beer, yes. Hard liquor, yes. But not wine.
COPS: We know you killed him
ME: I didn’t do it!
COPS: really? *starts playing Shakira*
ME: wait no
MY HIPS: HE’S UNDER THE FLOOR BOARDS
[texting friend]
me: my wife and I had an argument and she just started texting her mom, is that bad
friend: oh man
me: now she’s texting my mom
friend: OH MAN
ME: a new study suggests that being forgetful is a sign of intelligence
WIFE: where did you read that?
ME: [winks to the camera] I don’t remember
Read a magazine at the doctor’s office so I’m all caught up on Clinton running for president. I don’t think Bush can beat him.
My kids got to meet a fireman at dinner last night. How and why they got to meet a fireman is not important.
Watched a guy buy several single bananas at various stages of ripeness (instead of a bunch). Realized I was in the presence of genius.
My problem is that I always have really amazing bad ideas.
Geez, I’m so sorry…I’m not normally ticklish.
(me to the nail lady I just kicked in the face during my pedicure)
Got invited to a pool party tomorrow , time to dig out the ol’ leopard print Speedo
Bad: I saw my girlfriend’s name and number on a couple of men’s bathroom walls..
Worse: It was in her handwriting…
Not me once again breaking something in the house that I’ve repeatedly warned my children to be careful with
“Welcome to D.A.D.D.D.S. Dads Against Dads Doing Dumb Shit. Repeat after me.”
[whole room] “AFTER ME”
“Ok fellas, lets start here”