When the battle starts, but it’s also laundry day
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ME: judging by this blood stain the murderer appears to have been a turkey
ACTUAL POLICE OFFICER: That’s a hand print
I finally found my wife’s hiding spot for the Girl Scout cookies. Turns out they were in the cabinet like she showed me right after we bought them
My most favourite thing to do at work is leave.
We’re all eagerly waiting for that one opportunity, e-mail, or moment to positively change our lives, but text message scams really need to step up their game. No one offering anything of actual value would start a message by saying “CITIZEN! YOU HAVE BEEN SELECTED.”
Three men from my past have reappeared in the last few weeks to remind me how much I hate odd numbers.
[speed dating]
Me: Have you ever choked someone?
“No I would never do something like that”
Me: Next
Fight
A zombie apocalypse would barely make the news.
[final debate]
TRUMP: I’d like to apologize to hillary
MODERATOR: umm ok
HILLARY: umm ok
TRUMP: I brought a gift *hands her a galaxy note 7*
I’m making chili this weekend so if anyone wants some, I suggest you make some too.
Back to the gym after a lengthy hiatus and noticed they made everything heavier, weird
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absolute chaos
Hotdogs contain nitrates that literally shave time off your life. Do you need any more proof that they are the ideal food
[homocide scene]
DETECTIVE:”my god, in my 25 years on the force i’ve never seen a dead ghost.”
COP:”sir?, we covered the body with a sheet.”
A service where I can hire a child actor to come to my home and pretend to love the cartoons I watched back in the day so my kids will think they’re cool and I don’t have to watch any of this new bullshit.
Imagine the shock of seeing her in RL with her average sized eyeballs and no antlers…
Asked a guy if I could pet his dog and he said “my wife is coming back in a minute.” Sir I am ONLY interested in your dog but it’s kind of reassuring that NONE of us knows how to function in public anymore
Therapist: We need to discuss why you think the moon is your enemy.
Me: He controls the tides, you know. That’s too much power.
Newscast in the background: “-unprecedented number of tsunamis this year-“
Me: He’s trying to silence me.
How do i tell my physiotherapist that this isn’t an old sports injury but that time i did a coyote ugly dance at the bar and slipped off the table
We DID NOT walk 500 mile.
And we WOULD NOT walk 500 more.~ The Disclaimers.
You can’t screech away angrily from the curb in a Prius.
Thinking about the time my ex got me an eyeshadow pallet that was labeled “great for green eyes” gentle reader I have blue eyes
I refuse to eat pound cake or go to yard sales. It’s metric system or gtfo.
Dog: Dude, I’m your best friend.
Me: You shit on the carpet today.
Dog: *sighs* Look around you, Fitz. I’m still your best friend.
My son asked to read one of my scripts three weeks ago. Still hasn’t read it. I can’t believe I’m raising a studio executive.
COP: Is this man bothering you, Sir?
ME: that’s my wife
I drove by two different First Baptist churches today.
One of them is lying.
Staying off twitter is harder than eating water with chopsticks.
Everyone is gangsta until they get one sock wet