[stuck on side of road]
DATE: can you change a tire?
ME: what’s wrong with these clothes?
You Might Also Like
LMAO
First date the man should pick up the bill. In the absence of a bill look for William instead.
cop: why’d you kill him?
me: I was trying to count something and he kept shouting random numbers
cop: ugh hate that you’re free to go
got so drunk last night that I ate a salad
I could easily defuse any bomb as long as the bomb squad guy told me what to do through the headset
I spent all day yesterday trying to fix our POS roomba
Then the wife came home and asked why I had the bathroom scale tore apart
I guess we don’t have a roomba
me: i’ll have the mouse, please
waiter: that’s mousse, sir
me: never mind then, that’ll be way too much food
horse: [driving in a car past people in a field] PEOPLE!
Despite what we’ve been lead to believe,
nobody really really really wants a zigga zig ahh
If Elsa could bring snow to life why didn’t she make herself some pets? I’d have like 50 snowcats by now.
Christmas is always stressful for my family but I refuse to stop giving my brother’s wives bras
waiter: any water for the table
me: [to date] does he not know trees die when you cut them down or
if someone had told me corporate was coming today, I would have waxed my mustache
BOSS: you’re fired
ME: please give me another chance, I’m struggling to put food on the table
BOSS: that’s the problem…you’re the worst waiter I’ve ever hired
A fitness trainer showed me the proper way to inhale and exhale and then got pissed when I told her she had nice breaths.
why does saying their name 3x work for Bloody Mary and not for Brad Pitt?
Can we all just agree that fries are really just nude poutine?
They only arrested Justin Bieber cause he’s black.
We didn’t clean before our cleaning person came, and she just turned in her notice
Me: I’ve been having a lot of stomach pain.
Doc: You’re allergic to tomatoes.
Me: Oh wow so it’s a mystery then huh.
Doc: Stop eating pizza.
Me: I guess science just doesn’t have all the answers. It’s in god’s hands.
In grocery store & guy grabs my hand,starts to walk.I go with him, till he turns & realizes I’m not his wife.We broke it off…Single again
Saw an Italian nativity scene:
• Mary
• Joseph
• Shepherds
• Donkeys
• Sheep
• 47 wise guys
JOKER: Why so serious
ME: Have you seen the news?
JOKER: Ok fair
You know you’re getting older when the person telling you to slow down is you’re doctor, not a cop.
Doctor: Where it says “health conditions” on the form you wrote “confusion.” I don’t understand.
Me: So you have it too?
[Medusa plucking a tiny snake out of her chin]
Lifeguard: SHARK! GET OUT OF THE WATER
Me: [Remembers 150 people are killed by falling coconuts every year & only 5 from shark attacks] ..No
POLICE OFFICER: Your name?
MAN: The Rock.
POLICE OFFICER: Your FULL name?
MAN: [quietly] Theodore Rockinghorse.
How does Darth Vader like his steaks? Done done done done da done done da done.
Please don’t block me.