Kentucky names the shit out of places
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my only crime was caring too much. caring too much about fire
I can’t figure out if this is my 2 year old daughter’s dress or one of my wife’s shirts. One of them is a slut though. That’s for sure.
My superpower is to wake up more tired than I was when I fell asleep.
This weekend I lost an hour to daylight saving time and another hour stuck behind a person at the ATM who was apparently transferring funds to a Swiss bank account, refinancing their mortgage, and making 12 withdraws from 12 different accounts.
It was the best of times.
It was the worst of times.
It had mixed feelings about the times.
English Language: ‘I before E, except after C’.
Keith: That’s not true.
English Language: Don’t make it weird.
Keith: But you just..
English Language: Wow ur feisty this morning, someone hasn’t had their caffeine lol
Keanu Reeves, sure, but then Keanu comes back a rittle bit rater.
[watching Tangled with my Daughter]
Daughter: dada
Me: yes?
Daughter: do you think Rapunzel buys her shampoo at Costco?
Me: I mean-I do now.
Open an ice cream shop with flavors like “don’t be sad,” “they’re not worth it,” “you deserve better” and see if people don’t flock right in
mfs get a macbook and all of a sudden they got work to do in public places
Wife: the baby needs changing
Me: I don’t know, I kinda like her
“I’m not drunk, I’m a zombie…”
~Me passing out candy on Halloween
I’m no heart surgeon but I have the most steady hand when scrolling through an ex’s Facebook page.
I put the p in pants.
Did you just pronounce “etc.” as “eg-sed-ra”, sir?
Watching the history channel and feeling clever when the guy said “and this dinosaur was called pterodactyl” and I’m thinking “called by who, there was nobody there”
I don’t hold grudges. I pose with them.
Lunch lasagna special on a round plate: $12.99
Lunch lasagna special on a square plate: $1,739.99
More “kills” on Tinder than any man in the history of online dating, Bradley Cooper is…. American Swiper.
Me, the boss: The most important part of your job is to not distract me by naming different kinds of delicious sausage.
New Guy: No problem. And do we-?
Me: Thats it! You’re fired!
Put all your neighbors names on your Halloween tombstones in your front yard and wink when you’re outside and they walk by.
“I’m shaving off the beard tomorrow” I loudly announce so that anything living in there has time to evacuate
the pandemic has hit the spaghetti labor market especially hard
Art teacher: you were supposed to paint a tree
Rorschach: I did
when people say “I have two awesome kids” I always wonder how many they have total
The bruises on my arms? They are definitely NOT from getting my arms stuck in the UPS drop box.
what could possibly go wrong?
i have one speed and it’s mosey
My kids brought me a mint to try. I commented that it tasted like toothpaste and they said it was hard toothpaste they scraped out of the sink and rolled into mint balls and they want me to be an investor. They call them Breath Balls and DOES ANYBODY WANT TO ADOPT SOME KIDS