[Bee diary]
Day one: met a really cute queen bee
Day two: queen bee is now my gf
Day three: my gf cheated on me with my 40,000 roommates
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My friend couldn’t pay his water bill…
so I’ve sent him a “Get well soon” card.#WorldWaterDay
6yo (to her crying brother): “It’s okay to be sad, sometimes we need to let our feelings out, just let yourself be sad.”
Me: “Oh darling, that’s so lovely, well done. Why is he crying?”
6yo: “I hit him.”#mumlife
GUY: are u doing the mannequin challenge?
ME: [standing perfectly still w/ awkward facial expression] no this is just how I am around people
Ghost: GET OUT
Me: Or what?
Ghost: I’ll close a cupboard loudly and tip over a cup. I have all the powers of a three year-old that has access to a ladder
Gonna shake things up and start signing emails off with, “In loving memory of, Me”
Sucks how every girl I’m interested in is either taken or has good taste in men.
“Feels nice on the ol’ bits, don’t it?”
“That it do, Clyde, that it do.”
John Hammond: *proudly* We spared no expense
Me: Your security team is literally one Australian dude in short shorts
VILLAGERS: Stop crying wolf, you stupid idiot!
BOY: Fine
{later}
BOY: Help…Wolf!
WOLF: What’s up?
BOY: I need you to kill the villagers
When my family makes me mad, I make them eat quinoa. I am drunk with power
Gonna get “na na na na na na na na” tattooed on my forearm. I’ll tell girls it’s Hey Jude and I’ll tell dudes it’s the Batman theme.
zombie kid: why am i being punished
zombie dad: because i found your hand in the cookie jar
Maybe Tailgate wants to be banged. Did you ask? You don’t know.
My conservative, 94-year-old grandfather and I don’t see eye to eye on a lot, but every now and then, I’m reminded of our similarities. Today, he emailed me a video asking a really important question—what if we put all of our trash in volcanoes?
“I just called to say I love you.”
-Stevie Wonder not understanding how prank calls work
wife: Where’s the food?
[flashback to me waving at a dog and forgetting to stop at the second window to pick it up]
me: Dammit
[returning from Damascus]
St Paul: “Friends! Let me tell you all about God’s son, Esus”
Voice from the crowd: “Esus? But I thought-“
St Paul: “The letter “J” doesn’t fall into common usage until the 16th century”
St Ohn: “It’s true”
CHASE: Hi we are calling to check for fraud you spent $40 at 7/11
ME: Yea
CHASE: Then you went to Taco Bell at 3am
ME: Are these questions
It’s not “Quiet Quitting” if you won’t shut up about it.
It may snow in Atlanta so I just bought 47 loaves of bread and now I’m headed out to the interstate so I can get stranded in a good spot.
Wife: We have 4 kids already, I think we should start using protection!
Me: haha yes I’ll sort it[Later]
Son: Dad can I have-
Bouncer: Step back
you would not believe that one of the reasons i’m most excited to move out is so i can own a bean bag in every room of my house
johnny depp looks like the person who does hair and make up for johnny depp
My purse is deeper than some people.
Me *pointing gun* give me all your money
Bank teller: um that’s a water pistol
Me *aiming at her mouth* I’ve filled it with La Croix
Bank teller: you want it in 20s or
Why is everyone worried about meteors instead of the possibility that Russia just got their own Superman?
Someone hire this dog for the next Oceans movie
INTERVIEWER: Where do you see yourself in five years?
ME: Probably my communication skills.
I never go where I’m not wanted, unless you’re serving cake. If you’re serving cake I’ll be there either way.
Dog: I WANNA GO OUTSIDE I WANNA GO OUTSIDE I WANNA GO OUTSIDE I WANNA GO OUTSIDE I WANNA GO OUTSIDE I WANNA GO OUTSIDE I WANNA GO OUTSIDE
Me: *opens door*
Dog: *runs to my spot on the couch* smell ya later sucka