One time I hooked up with this guy and we were laying there and it was raining and I knew he wanted me to leave because he said “I got something for you” and proceeded to pull out a disposable rain poncho
You Might Also Like
I remember when spring break meant a week on Padre Island parting with my friends, and now it’s spent hoping my kids aren’t on Padre Island partying with their friends.
Watching my mother-in-law order at Starbucks is like watching a drunk gorilla try to start a car with a french fry.
All women are technically bodybuilders if they get pregnant
What brave editor will let me publish 1,500 words on why ordering ravioli at a restaurant is a scam? The sage butter is not making up for the fact that you’re charging me $27 for 4 small dumplings.
Coming soon from the makers of Hamilton:
LINCOLN
Featuring the smash rap hit about the Civil War:
“This could be US, but you slavin’.”
ants in the garden ? Run a hose from your bbq gas cylinder and put it into the ants nest and turn it on, just a little, removed hose and carefully light the hole… what could possibly go wrong??
Parish Council to all moorside residents –
Once again: the nightly screams beyond the high cottages are foxes. They aren’t the result of werewolf activity. Stop spreading this silly idea. This is 2020. You should all know werewolves prefer to strike before their prey screams.
If my ex taught me one thing it’s that women don’t like it when you sneak in their bedroom to watch them sleep after you’ve divorced.
Tree: Bark
Dog: {leaves}
Me: The door’s locked
Salt: Push it
Me: It’s locked
Pepa: Push it
Me: That won’t work, think of something else
Salt:
Pepa:
Salt:
Pepa:
Both: Push it real good?
I like crazy people until they notice me
I’m no psychic but I can tell you that pristine white furniture set you just bought for your baby’s room ain’t gonna look like that for long.
Gonna start feeding my dog condoms, so when she poops they’re already in tiny little bags!
Me: I’ve gone my whole life without having any hearing problems.
Middle age: Hold my beer.
Me: What?
Bon Jovi must be at least 3/4 of the way there by now.
Safe sex is stupid. Safes can’t get pregnant.
I had 3 crackers, a ketchup packet, and a yogurt that said “Liz’s. Don’t Touch!” for lunch in case anyone wondered if tomorrow is payday.
I almost walked out of the dentist’s office without putting my pants back on.
I took my kids’ screens away so we could spend some quality time together and it turns out they are really terrible to be around
a nightmare where I’m performing disney on ice – but I don’t know how to do it, so I panic and just fireman-carry my partner around the arena for the entire seven and a half minute song, serenaded by the boos of furious children
Just to be clear, when I came over to your house I had no intention of fighting your cat.
“rejection is god’s protection” ok but from what? Happiness?!?
“I don’t have this many cats to sleep alone,” I yell threateningly down the hall to my cats who are all sleeping in the living room.
Pretty sure my bicycle has been drinking. All the way home it was swerving around and trying to throw me. I left it in someone’s hedge to teach it a lesson.
it’s sundress season and i have several dresses with pockets and and if you don’t think i’m gonna use them to carry spicy chicken nuggets and mini babybels, you are mistaken
The nice thing about a garage sale is having people pay you to haul your junk away.
Pro Tip : Don’t shout at a mate going through airport security “You are the bomb dude, you are the bomb !!”
Smart cars are what happens when Optimus Prime gets drunk and has sex with his vacuum cleaner.
I brought sexy back and man was that Kohl’s cashier confused.
People who text me, “OMG GUESS WHAT?,” vastly overestimate my level of interest in anything they have to say.