Little Drummer boy: I have no gifts to bring
Mary: thats ok
Little Drummer Boy: I am a poor boy too
Mary: 🙂
Jesus: *sleeping*
Little Drummer boy: just gonna bang TF outta these drums tho
Joseph: if you wake him up i swear to god
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I have learned to accept that my parents are “Santa,” but I still have no idea how they get to all those other houses.
Husband: How much did you spend on those new boots?
Me: *turns on the blender* What?
Husband: I said…
Me: *turns on the vacuum* Sorry, can’t hear you!
Watching Moana (for the 869th time)*
Me: oh no, who’s going to help Moana?
3: *really angry” not anybody!! she can do all the things by herself
HER: do you own any firearms
ME [trying to impress]: no but I have some hot legs
My neighbor’s cat got into the booth with me when I was testing my teleportation device and now there’s cat hair all over my genes.
The occupations on ‘The Bachelorette’ are getting out of hand.
Amazon only lets you put 51 items in your cart and
A) that’s bullshit
B) I probably shouldn’t know this
Jesus saves. Often. Because even he knows Microsoft Word is a piece of shit.
Two things you need to know about me:
1. I am hung over.
2. Sometimes I say the word over for no reason.
We’d been planning on using the $1.3 million from Jeopardy to buy a house, but now I’m thinking maybe I’ll just hold on to it for a year or two and then use it to buy Twitter
You shouldn’t underestimate the number of places that you can’t put your finger after you’ve been chopping chillies.
How dare you incinerate that I don’t know big words.
NEW ROOMMATE: What’s mine is yours.
[30 seconds later]
NEW ROOMMATE: I need my wheelchair back.
Me: [giving eulogy] He was a good man. He was a kind man. He was born to the blade, and merciless. He had a secret robot arm that shot out the side of his head. He was nine inches tall and invisible on Tuesdays. He wanted you to know the truth let go of me they need to hear this
[interview]
HIM: What are your strengths?
ME: Well, I can see dead people.
HIM: Wow, interesting. Any hobbies?
ME: Grave digging
So much gross product placement in THE SHINING. It’s like, fine, I’ll buy an axe.
🎶Somebody once told me the world was gonna roll me🎶
SECRET SOCIETY OF WORLD ROLLERS: Who talked?!
Is this your resume?
“Yep”
It just says you used to leave shit at your friends’ doors, ring the bell & run away
“Oh yes”
Welcome to UPS!
You know you’re getting old when your decision to sleep with someone is mostly based on the quality of their mattress and pillows.
Don’t donate your plasma. It’s a big scam and they’re just using it to make TVs.
Starbucks needs a separate line for people who say “um”
One day ISIS is going to screw up and accidentally hit ‘add your location’ to a tweet.
10-year-old: What’s it like to be old?
Me: I don’t know. I’m still young and spry.
10: What’s it like to live in denial?
God: you’re a giraffe.
Giraffe: why is my neck so long?
God: it’s the only way you could reach the top of the trees.
Giraffe: that makes perfect sense!
[monkey climbs a nearby tree]
Giraffe:
God: you weren’t supposed to see that.
me before I type out affect or effect
People criticise me for chasing squirrels in the park but I trust my dog
Twitter fine art
[Abruptly stops playing my banjo] Oh the intervention is for ME??
As a man I’ll never know the what the pain of child birth feels like. But I’m guessing the pain of stubbing your toes has to be really close.
*middle of a 6 hour road trip,
One 8 year old twin says to the other: “Id roast you, but Mom said I’m not allowed to burn trash.”