9: My room is clean.
Me: You keep using that word. I do not think it means what you think it means.
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When someone has coordinates in their bio, I feel the need to alert their local police, to counter all the psychos en route to murder them.
Every time I delete a selfie, I imagine the sound of a Gremlin being burned alive by the sunlight.
Dressing up for Halloween is just a way of saying “I want to be uncomfortable for an entire evening in the hopes of answering the same question a hundred times.”
I’m not mad, I’m just frustrated.
-people that are about to start ugly crying
*goes shopping without makeup and a hair in the messy bun*
“Hi everybody I ever met since 1999”
Guess an extinguisher wasn’t in the budget
I’d roll around in garbage with you. Not the garbage from the bathroom though, that’s gross, but the good stuff that comes from the kitchen.
I like to write all my death threat letters in Comic Sans.
I find it lightens the mood.
Wait for it
The worst part about a fender bender is getting out of your car and having to meet a new person
Wife: We should go camping
Me: Yay
*waits til wife is gone to tell kids the Blair Witch Project plot. Camping trip turns into visit to NYC*
[first day as hotdog vendor] I’m sorry, these are not for sale
Pro-Tip: Always remember where you buried the bodies.
Got thrown out of the theater during the Superman movie but was able to sneak back in by putting on glasses.
Imagine how much more useful Superman would’ve been if he’d helped people move their heavy furniture instead.
me: 867-5309… and this is your REAL phone number?
her: yeah, sure
I feel bad for the children of Vegans because no one gets found when their picture’s on the back of unsweetened organic almond milk.
when its election nite and you get wasabi in your eye
PRIEST: god knows how you’re behaving, and has a huge problem with it
ME (wasn’t listening): and also with you
me to the fake CIA agent: okay so you need me to put all my savings in a shoe box? all $387?
scammer: you know what never mind
FUN FACT:
Bears hibernate in the winter just to get away from Christmas music…
Husband: When I introduce you to my boss, please don’t be weird
Me: Me? Weird??
Husband: PLEASE
[ Later ]
Me, air kissing his boss’s hand: Bonjour
[blind date]
her: this is nice, i was worried you’d turn out to be weird or something
me: i lost my virginity on a ghost pirate ship
her: ah there it is
[first day as a spy]
Wife: what’s your bosses name?
Me: I can’t tell you that
Wife: why?
Me: because I don’t remember, Linda
My mom asked me a question and when I went to answer she said, “Hold on I can’t hear you. I gotta turn on the light.” The dark was too loud?
“In case of emergency break glass” Who do you think I am? Some sort of karate expert? I can’t even open a Cheetos bag.
Me, watching you order just one pizza and there’s four of us: I guess you’re an optimist
bigfoot [eating a clown]: hey these might actually be my size
SCIENTIST: I want you to meet my robot
ME: Wow
SCIENTIST: He has limited functionality. He can’t hold a conversation or express emotion
ME: Ok
SCIENTIST: I was talking to the robot
Hero: A space monster. I’m gonna blast it!
Scientest: No! We must capture it and bring it back to Earth for science.
Science: I don’t need any space monsters. Go ahead and blast it.