why are there sports bars but not cute bars where u can sip wine and cheer for competitive cooking shows?
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If I were a professional soccer player, I would simply pick up the ball. My opponents’ kicks would be useless as I held the ball high above my head. They would beg me to release it but I would not relent. Then, just as time expires, I would throw it into the net, sealing victory.
Karate Kid (1984) Two grown adults enlist minors to fight a martial arts proxy war.
absolutlely despise when a recipe tells me to add 2 cups of onion. they don’t come in cups. they come in onions.
My mother, who has never drank or done any drug, is in Amsterdam. So, watch out, Netherlands, someone’s about to respectfully tour the crap out of your windmills.
You look busy, I’m just gonna interrupt you anyways
– People who apparently want to go missing
*gets b̶e̶t̶t̶e̶r̶ bitter with age*
[Psychiatrist’s Office]
ME: So do I just lie on the couch over here?
PSYCHIATRIST: Actually this works much better if you tell the truth.
ME: You coming to the party?
FRIEND: Will it be rad?-
M: -ish.
F: I guess I’ll come.
[Later at the radish party]
F: I think I misunderstood
I’m at the age where “pop, lock, and drop” is about my knee giving out instead of dance moves
someone explain to me 72 hour protection deodorants and antiperspirants.
If you bathe everyday, that like defeats the whole purpose right??
if I worked behind some kind of counter, every day I would simply wear a sleeping cap, and have two tip jars, labeled “honk shoo” and “mimimimimi”
Thursday Thought.
Don’t forget to hug your friends. They might be hiding a burrito from you, so get a good feel
I’m not gay but I support their “agenda” – working, having a family, living in safety and fair, equal treatment.
Pretty radical shit.
One day my daughter will walk into the kitchen when I’m sneak-eating cookies and there will be a reckoning
I don’t understand why my AirPods aren’t working right I’ve only sent them through the laundry twice.
A peacock is just a chicken made by Versace.
Parenting tip: Unplug the microwave before dropping acid because you’ll inevitably put the baby in there for safe keeping.
wife: turn on the stove please
me: [twerking in front of stove] it’s not working
the ideal man is always thinking of several cool things at once (throwing a football really far, a truck with big wheels, giving a lot of high fives)
God: done?
Noah: yea
G: whats this
Noah proudly: a swing set
G: u built a park. I asked for an ark
N: a what?
G: a boat
N: say boat then
After 2020 I’m never going to question why they keep opening up Jurassic Park despite obvious safety issues.
Don’t let anyone tell you that The Godfather isn’t an extremely effective parenting manual.
Grab and smash, smash and grab such is time spent in a mammogram
Cop: have you been drinking tonight?
Me: no sir
Cop: *rips off mask to reveal my mother* well you need to stay hydrated
another day another dollar?
where’d you find a dollar?
Sit-ups are no fun, sharpie abs are definitely the way to go if you want permanent results.
I totally just realized that Dora the Explorer and Vlad the Impaler have the same middle name
Those stupid stress balls don’t work!!!… I just ate one, and it got stuck in my throat… And now, I’m more stressed than before!!!