MAR 14: Pi Day
MAR 15: Ides of March
MAR 17: St. Patrick’s DayMAR 16: middle child, left out as usual
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Highway to Hell is my favorite wedding song.
Her: I just feel so alone
Him: Jesus loves you
Jesus: [awkwardly] Duuude shut up
When a client says “I know people who can charge less”. Smile & respond “I know clients who can pay more.
Life is fair, people are not.
My wife asked me to put ketchup on the shopping list.
Now I can’t read anything.
friend: where have you been all day
me: hunting shapeshifters
friend: maybe it’s time to turn in
me: [narrows eyes] turn into what
7YR OLD: dad, when Bruno Mars sings “so many pretty girls around me & they waking up the rocket,” what’s he mean?
ME: he’s a NASA scientist
I’m kind of a big deal on the semi-pro yoyo circuit.
Me, trying to be quiet walking through the house this morning:
My knees and ankles: “Let me sing you the song of my people!”
What does stormtrooper armor protect against, exactly? Knives?
2016 took so many beautiful, talented men I’ve loved my entire life. Seems unfair that I still have to dodge my ex at the grocery store.
If I’ve learned one important thing about the human race, it’s that we don’t need best-before dates on bags of potato chips.
Her: You have a cigarette machine in your kitchen?
Me: Well it would look ridiculous in the living room…
Thank you, Internet.
Thank you.
King Crab: look at me, I have delicious legs
Imitation Crab *with funny voice*: look at me, I have delicious legs
Just used the phrase “my good coat hanger”, if you’re wondering if I have a Swiss Bank Account.
Streaming Service: We think this wholesome comedy would be great!
Me: hmmm
Streaming: How about thoughtful calm drama parallel of life
Me: 🤔
Streaming: ok…how about a depressing cult docu-series that will fill you with a rage that will not die
Me: ya ya that’s the one
I like my women with curves.
Those skinny ones are alway mad cause they’re hungry.
I let my son go to bed last night with his Nintendo Switch and he called me a good dad. This parenting shit is easy!
REALITY SHOW HOST: …and one of you will be going home
ME: how many points do I need for that
Single people at the grocery store are without a care in the world as if they don’t have to worry about bringing home the wrong yogurt
Sorry just got your text. Do you still need to go to the hospital?
My son was loudly barking like a dog in the other room and I told my husband to go take care of it and now there’s 2 people loudly barking like dogs.
guard your heart, cater to no man’s ego, honor your own time and your energy, don’t use uber. happy 2015.
It wouldn’t kill this religion to throw a virgin in a volcano every now & then.
Anyway, thats why they removed the suggestion box from Mass
doctor: how’s the weight loss plan going?
me: i’m doing my best
doctor: are….you drinking a glass of ranch?
me: best doesn’t mean good
Of course the Midwest takes sports very seriously, what else are we going to obsess over…corn?
Perfect pizza run just now. Every light was green, every merge clear, cop chasing me got in an accident, I couldn’t believe my luck.
Abs are made in the kitchen, but a six pack can be bought in a store
Tie a scarf around your doorknob so Amazon knows your Husband is home and to come back later.
My mom has more confidence in the people of Oak Island finding the treasure than me finding another husband