I’ve already had 3 people ask if I have enough wine to last me through the hurricane. Beginning to think I may have a reputation.
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People who text me, “OMG GUESS WHAT?,” vastly overestimate my level of interest in anything they have to say.
Spelling matters. My husband texted me that we’re very low on time.
Thyme. He meant thyme.
Kissing the back of someone’s neck is a sensuous thing to do.
Unless it’s a stranger in a queue in Primark.
If I were a DJ I would just play true crime podcasts.
God: thou shall not covet thy neighbor’s wife
Joseph:
God: starrrrrting now
Show your guy you love him by making him lasagna.
Write his name in the cheese.
Leave it on his porch.
His wife is home.
Write hers too.
Waiter, there appears to be a red bandana in my turtle soup.
Oh, so you’re a human?
name three pictures with traffic lights in them
Cherry seeds are just the pits.
Screech up to a yard sale. Ask if they have any haunted amulets. Yell at the dog in your backseat, “I’m GETTING the spell reversed, Greg!”
Cain was the first to call out Abelism.
I always chalk the pool cue as if it is going to make a difference
Costco ….
Because you never know when your
aquarium could explode ….and you really need those 96 rolls
of paper towels.
Once someone broke into my car and didn’t steal anything – not my leather jacket or any of my CDs, and I have never felt more judged.
[sitting in dentist’s chair]
Dentist: get out of my living room
Do you know beforehand your dog is a cadaver dog, or do your first several walks always happen to end with finding a body?
the nice thing about always being late is never having to worry about getting worms
Moved the bed for the first time in years and found 47 hair ties, a toy steak, and the lost city of atlantis
I’m having an out of money experience.
Hey i am sexy to you now
My wife walked in on me sobbing uncontrollably while listening to an old song.
“Meat Loaf?” she asked.
“Yes,” I replied, between the tears. “Can we have baked potatoes too?”
it’s either covid or clever vampires
What’s the most baby state? Washington because WA
Alligators sewing little pictures of rich white people on their shirts.
my mom when anyone would walk on the carpet she just vacuumed
me: [donating body to science]
science: [donates my body to goodwill]
Piñatas give kids unrealistic expectations of how much candy spills out of a donkey when you split one open
Sitting here reminiscing about the 3 times I went to the gym in 2019.