If a bear wears shoes and socks he still has bear feet.
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[Trapped on a plane]
Me: Can’t put it off any longer, we must eat the other passengersWife: what no
Me: I’m growing weaker
Wife: We have been delayed for 45 minutes
To take revenge, I’LL EAT CHINESE.
It doesn’t make sense that there are so many poems about love, but there are no poems about hot, buttery mashed potatoes.
<gets on elevator >
Pushes all the buttons
Hugs everyone
Prays out loud that we’re not going to die
Gets off at the 2nd floor
Laughs
I’d be fine with a ghost in the house if every time a message in blood appeared on the wall it was something helpful like YOUR KEYS ARE IN THE FRONT DOOR.
In-laws going home a day early because I had the audacity to throw away “a good box.”
Oh predictive text, how you tournament me.
The best thing about microchipping my cat is that I connected him to my ApplePay account and now I can use him to pay for things when I forget my wallet.
If you can’t stand me at my worst then WAIT COME BACK HERE WHERE ARE YOU GOING
“Sorry, but none of my clothes fit today.” My date nods, and politely avoids looking at my towel and safety pins.
Twitter, 2016 (HT @iShami_ )
A horror movie but it’s just a married couple trying to work from home and one of them is chewing
starting an egg-finding service, and also secretly an egg-hiding business on the side
*Gets haircut*
“Omg I love it”*Ten minutes later*
“Dear God what have I done?”
Me: I hate Valentine’s Day
Some Random Guy: I hate it too
Me: 😍😍😍
2010: Didn’t jog
2011: Didn’t jog
2012: Didn’t jog
2013: Didn’t jog
2014: Haven’t jogged~ This is a running joke
[Alien vs Predator]
Alien: I can eat your face off
Predator: I’m not allowed within 100 feet of a school
God: Let’s give them the ability to feel remorse.
Satan: I like that. Say, from 2:00 – 4:00 AM?
Squirrels don’t hibernate in the winter they just get angry.
“Ducklings are baby ducks,” I say as I set the appetizer on the table. “Enjoy your dumplings, Ma’am.”
“You’ve lost some weight.” sounds suspiciously like “You were a disgusting fatso before, but I was too nice to say so.”.
wife: tell me her name
*slap*
wife: TELL ME HER NAME
*slap slap*
wife: and where did you get a seal anyway
[Dentist waiting room]
Me: [chanting] teeth, teeth-
Other patients: teeth, TEETH
Secretary: [pounding her clipboard] TEETH, TEETH, TEETH!
Got a text from my husband this morning saying that this wasn’t working out and he wanted a divorce! Boy was I relieved when he texted back saying that he sent it to the wrong number.
[6:00pm] i will not snack tonight i will not snack tonight i will not snack tonight
[11:00pm] yay i did it!
[11:01pm] *preheats oven*
Cop: Know why I pulled you over?
“No”
Cop: *points* Your buck naked
[turns to deer in passenger seat] “Jesus Frank, put your fur back on”
4 told me we were playing hospital, and then told me to wait because she had to go get her cash register. Even at that age, they get it.
Toddler: *listening to song*
T: *plays song again*
T: *plays song again*
T: *plays song again*
T: *plays song again*
T: *plays song again*
T: *takes a nap*Me: FINALLY! A break from that —
Brain: I’ll take it from here.
God made humans, but only because there wasn’t anything good to watch on TV.
When people tell me they trust a product because ‘It’s natural.’, I like to remind them that arsenic is also natural.