Why does Nike keep telling me to JUST DO IT? Maybe I don’t want to do it. I’m in my 50s. Maybe I just want to eat pizza straight out the box and take a nap
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Reached a point in my life that I have no ‘bones to pick’ nor ‘axes to grind’. Most would call it forgiveness, I call it memory loss and it’s peaceful.
Coworker: The thing that sucks about vacation is dreading going back to work
Me: Oh I don’t need vacation to feel that way
before u buy those shoes online ask yourself if u really want 2 new emails a day for the rest of ur life
Marriage is alright if you like someone coming home and telling you about their day in the middle of your movie
There are two sides to every story. Mine comes with french fries and cole slaw.
Saying you like a lot of meat in your taco is received differently on Twitter than it is on Facebook.
I know that now.
As a former member of the Leopards Eating People’s Faces party until it became extremist, I can tell you that the Let’s Not Eat Anyone’s Face party will get nowhere unless it elects a candidate who wants leopards to eat *some* people’s faces.
My college career succinctly summed up in a meme.
Stop feeling sorry for yourself. Just think, there are people out there who don’t get to read my tweets.
Much like Camilla, I too take a rest after defeating an entire royal family.
People with pretty privilege?
You mean the gourgeoisie???
Computer: Do you trust this device?
Me: Why? Is there something you’re not telling me?
Boss: I’ve been told one of you is just a robot car in disguise
*everyone stares at me, even Optimus who is drinking oil instead of coffee*
[intensive care]
NURSE: I’ll never leave your side, DO YOU HEAR ME?!
ME [patient]: wow, I didn’t realize how intense the care was here.
north carolina to sue over bathroom bill
hillary: stop calling him that
Daddy, where do bananas come from?
Well son, when a manana and a womanana really love each other…
My 5yo doesn’t always play his harmonica, but when he does, it’s at 6:33 in the morning.
INTERVIEWER: If Harry Potter was real, what Hogwarts house would you be in?
ME: What do you mean “if” Harry Potter was real?
a murder on the dance floor would explain the panic! at the disco
Imagine going on a date with someone holding a fish in their dating profile picture and when you get to the restaurant it’s just a salmon sitting there waiting
[inventing the saxophone] what if you could use a bong to play jazz
My couch doubles up as a bed, a work station, a cheeto hiding place…. it’s like the other furniture isn’t even trying!
I hired an insecurity guard. He said
“I hope you feel safe rn cuz I don’t know if I’m right for the job.”
[phone rings]
“Is your refrigerator running?”
*looks over at fridge holding a lighter up to a spoon*
“I don’t know what he’s doing anymore.”
when I was a teenager learning to drive, I was very concerned about what would happen if I had to sneeze while driving. someone would tell me what to do, and I would be like, “ok. and if I sneeze?”
I like to refer to my psychiatrist as a “serotonin artist.”
30% of Republican primary voters nationally say they support bombing Agrabah. Agrabah is the country from Aladdin. #NotTheOnion
*makes airplane noise*
*swings arm around*
*slides chapstick across your chapped lips*
People calling themselves a Personal Coach right now feels a lot like that time I called myself a Soccer Coach when my son was six.
Parenting is wanting to know why the mouthwash is in the freezer but being too tired to ask.