It’s 2018, and Benjamin Button is still writing 2019 on his checks.
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A revolving door is an IQ test you can fail in public.
My buddy telling me to invest in crypto I’m like dude I haven’t even figured out regular money yet
Looking forward to Keanu Reeves making improvements to his home in the upcoming
Matrix: Renovations
someone using bare hands to put salad on a plate is letting you know they’re not here for discussions about etiquette or anything really
Trainer: How often do you exercise?
Me: Not that often. Wait, does sex count as exercise?
T: Uhhh sure.
M: Ok then still not that often
“The first rule of Fight Club is: You do not talk-”
*Greg burps*
“-actually, you know what, Greg? It’s manners. The first rule is manners.”
Lowe’s banned me for yelling “From the windows! To the walls! To the sweat drop down my balls!”, as I explained how much carpet I needed.
Asked my wife if I was going to get a “tip” for driving her around today.
She laughed and laughed.
Apparently so hard, she got a headache.
Maybe Adele is singing about her cats. You don’t know.
[arrives in heaven]
how’d you die?
me: i was sitting in a beanbag chair and my house caught on fire
Good news, I don’t have the virus. Bad news, I can still taste my cooking.
Google would like to use your current location. Allow/Deny? Allow
*100 Google employees throw a party at my house*
Me carrying the weight of being the funniest person in my whole family
her: wanna go upstairs
me: ok
her: do u have protection
me: [nervously] why what’s up there
My hot friend: I’ve been alternating CrossFit, yoga and running.
Me: I hear you. I have a mild cough so my abs have been sore for two days.
ME: I wanna be the very best like no one ever was
Prof Oak: [handing me Pokedex] there are 150-
ME: sorry how much work is this gonna be
My turd eating dog just spit out something I cooked if anyone wants to come to dinner.
I SAID: How’s vacation going?
MY PARENTS HEARD: I’ve got a couple hours, can you tell me every intricate detail about the weather? Start with the day you left.
*being wrestled away from mall santa by security* u hav TWO WEEKS until deadline and ur out here doing PHOTO OPS?! WHOS DOINGE THE REAL WORK
If you want an honest opinion about your hair, FaceTime your mom, and don’t ask her for it.
I told my husband no less than thrice not to get red delicious apples because they are not, in fact, delicious, so you all know what he came home with
The dollar tree has motion sensor Christmas ornaments that blast jingle bells in case your family doesn’t already hate you…
Single people at the grocery store are without a care in the world as if they don’t have to worry about bringing home the wrong yogurt
We like the way Dwight thinks
I would like to be a zombie because when someone asked me if I had a boyfriend I could just eat them.
Haunted Houses should be open year round. Some of us want to get chased with a chainsaw in January.
that scene in texas chainsaw 3D where alex daddarios character who is supposed to be 40 runs away from leatherface but instead of hopping a fence or going a different direction she hops on a ferris wheel and is shocked to find out that it goes back down
“Hey mom can Kyle come over?”
mom: Kyle from your school or Kyle who is really bad at finishing other people’s-
[From outside] LOOFAS!
Someone told me their kid was 20 months old so I told them my dog is 14 months old, they weren’t impressed