Hey check out this new candle I got.
-Sweet. What flavor is it?
I think you mean ‘what scent is it?’
*with a mouthful of candle wax*
-What?
You Might Also Like
[ER visits, by age]
Doctor: How did this happen?
Me at 24: I was trying to dunk a basketball.
Me now: I was reaching for my glasses.
WIFE: we’re so close we finish each other’s sentences
ME: .
(drops a Cheetoh on the ground)
ants: seize him
told my boyfriend I was going to start my period and he said, “AGAIN??”
it’s like, you know what, you’re right, I’m cancelling my subscription.
When a cop talks to you about Miranda, he’s not inviting you for a three-way… I know this now.
You hear the q-tip screaming deep in your ear canal. This means you’re doing a good job.
Daughter: What’s a warehouse?
Me: It’s a man who was bitten by a house, and is then cursed to transform into a house at every full moon.
Daughter: Wow.
Me: *Nodding as I exhale a huge bong rip*
Carries bucket and fishing rod and drills hole in the ice.
Voice: There is no fish here!
Me: Wow, is that God?
V: No, the arena director.
4-year-old: Can you do what you want at work?
Me: No, I have to listen to my boss.
4: Mom is at your work?
mechanic: i’m gonna have to replace your brakes
me: with what
Him: You’ll always be the one that got away. Me: Escaped. Him: What? Me: I said Thanks.
One time back before automatic signatures I wrote a rather stern email to a group at work about a poorly-run project. I hastily closed with “Regards, (my name)” or at least thought I did; that day I learned qwerty keyboards are my enemies thanks to the proximity of the G to the T
Him: How’d you get so cute?
Me: I-I-my gosh, I really don’t know. I’m not very good at biology.
Drop a house on me, so I know it’s real
I almost cut my finger off cutting some celery to eat and all I could think is this never happens with cupcakes.
My blood type is coffee.
they should invent an apple tv remote that doesn’t turn off your movie unplug your tv and delete all your accounts if you breathe on it the wrong way
My kid’s favorite thing to dip in ketchup is her sleeve.
Coworker: What book you reading there?
Me: ‘How To Kidnap A Coworker’
CW:…
Me: Not you, Karen. A pretty one.
My therapist: oh my socks are loose
Me:
Me: are you feeling shrinky?
Meeeee too!
The most uncomfortable moment in my day is the time spent waiting in silence while someone searches for a ‘funny’ YouTube clip I *need* to see.
I’m the only woman at this baby shower who doesn’t have a baby. They better ooh and aah over my bassinet of deviled eggs.
My wife thought it would be cute to take a shower with our toddler and now there’s poop in the tub and everyone is screaming.
I’m like a cartoon character, not because I’m cute or funny, but because I wear the same clothes every day.
I don’t know who put chairs in the elevator, but that’s a kind of laziness that I can respect.
It stops being sexy if you wait 14 hours to reply back.
Fiction has to make sense.
Breaking: It’s snowing where some people live and not snowing where other people live. More about this in 10 minutes on Facebook News.