Me: I’m under a lot of pressure, ok?
Diamond: rookie
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My three kids are roughly the same age as Kate Middleton’s so I can say pretty confidently that she is hiding in the bathroom pretending to pee for a really long time.
Damn Girl, are you a violin solo in a Dave Matthews song? Cuz you go on forever.
Netflix and awkward silence?
Allow me to demonstrate my special technique of hearing what isn’t being said.
Yesterday we got a puppy and my kids are so smitten that they’ve cut down their screen time enormously by 5%
me: *after aceing my finals* that was easier than giving candy to a baby
them: don’t you mean taking candy from a baby
me: why would I take candy from a baby, you monster
*wears a ballgown to son’s baseball game*
Narrator: Ursula needs to control her puns; she’s embarrassing her family.
Now that 1 in every 3 people cheats in their relationships,I’m left wondering. . .Is it my wife or my girlfriend that’s cheating?
Tiktok made twitter look like a science club.
“And the award for Most British Name goes to…”
*Benedict Cumberbatch takes a sip of gin with his eyes closed*
“Helena Bonha-”
*spews*
my husband just committed the cardinal sin of asking my kid what she wants for Christmas so does anyone know where I can get a kids drum set at 6pm on Christmas Eve?
I will never have to admit to a mistake at work when I can blame the last person who quit
Watching Thor: Ragnorok and never get tired of hearing Bruce Banner brag about his 7 PhDs like it’s a sign of brilliance and not just poor career planning, dude. Like, maybe do the one PhD and then some postdocs, guy.
Oranges got their name from their orange juice-like flavor and orange juice-like color.
Why didn’t I marry a hairdresser or a baker. I did not think this through.
“Hey, Mr Tambourine Man, play a song for me.”
*shakes tambourine*
“Got any others?”
*shakes tambourine*
“Sounds a lot like the last one”
Forcing my general contractor to dig his own grave. He says he can be done by May, maybe June. Depends on some other jobs.
I do not envy the youth. Imagine starting college in the year 2022: you’re totally pumped, can’t wait for the best 4 years of your life, and then you find out….your roommate is really into crypto.
We’re just never going to talk about the fact Mufasa and Scar are brothers but have entirely different accents?
Maybe just don’t throw stones in any kind of house.
A guy just made fun of me for buying wine coolers at the store. I’m wearing crocs with socks and that’s what you’re going to make fun of?
Shrek + Akira = Shakira???
me: I just hate delivering bad news over the phone
firefighter: *staring at burned down building* ok but you still should’ve
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The best thing about your fifties is when they give you diplomatic immunity from the court of public opinion.
Me: I feel sad I should surround myself with fun and nice things
Also me:
I’d take the high road if it weren’t for the debilitating vertigo.
Me: let’s go vegetarian
Husband: can we still eat eggs
M: of course
H: fish?
M: obviously
H: bacon on special occas-
M: we’d be crazy not to
my mom: you still coming over today?
me: definitely
mom: great I have a few things from IKEA for you to put tog—
me: i cant make it
Yes I run a porn site. It was an accident.