A really cute girl started working out next to me at the gym so i switched to super heavy weights to impress her someone please call an ambulance
You Might Also Like
Yesterday I told my husband I was gonna get rid of all the kid’s toys because the house is full and today he told me I couldn’t buy any new ones, as if he thinks I meant it
Clock: “You need to get up in 6 hours.”
Me: “No you’re mistaken. First I need to Google the lyrics to that song from 9th grade, and then find the episode with the scene where they played that song on BH 90210.”
Writing “and eat it” at the bottom of my neighbors’ little “pick up your dog’s poop” yard sign
*reads your mind*
*decides to wait for the movie*
Gurl are you Quantum Mechanics ’cause you got 10 different interpretations of everything, none of which fully corresponds with reality.
Me: So many women flirt with me on Twitter all the time.
Wife: Cool. Now you have lots of woman to also not have sex with.
Me: people never seem to remember meeting me.
Therapist: it’s amazing how the brain deals with trauma.
Him: why doesn’t anyone want me?
Me: I want you.
Him: why doesn’t anyone else want me?
Unscramble: pnise
If you got spine, you are correct. The rest of you have been on twitter too long.
I’m at the age where I look good “for my age”
[Super Villain Team Tryouts]
COACH: Tell me what you can do
MAGNETO: I can manipulate metal
LOKI: I’m a god
THE PENGUIN (shoving his way to the front): I LIKE PENGUINS!
Weird, started flirting in this bar and for some reason 4 guys just killed themselves.
That song stuck in my head is “Don’t Speak,” I’ve no doubt in my mind.
By iPhone 30, you’ll have a choice. Whether to buy an iPhone or an island in the Caribbean.
Wife: please don’t
I look her in the eyes, kiss her delicately and shake my head
Me: somethings are worth fighting for
I slowly stand, catch my breath for a few seconds and start walking towards the buffet bar for the 10th time
[lumberjack interview]
BOSS: I’m gonna “axe” you a few questions. Haha do you get it?
ME: Yeah I “saw” that coming
BOSS: Ooo welcome aboard!
Kids at bedtime are like the song being downloaded on a dial up connection which has been stuck at 99%
Dentists are evil, they’re like reverse the tooth fairy because you’re broke after.
Really, every section of the greeting card aisle could be called “Societal Obligation.”
My son plays this game where he’s a bowling ball and the bowling pins are everything we own.
[1st date]
Would you excuse me for a moment?
*date checks her watch while Im visible through the window playing with dogs across the street*
[Family of lizards]
Mother: this our oldest son, he’s all grown up now and crushes buildings
Little lizard: ahem
Mother: *sighs* also, this our youngest he can get you 15% off car insurance
One nice thing about my kids sleeping so late in the summer is that I save money on breakfast foods because it’s been completely eliminated from their diets.
“Oh you just put lotion on?
You’re not going anywhere.”
– Doorknob
Me: You’re telling me someone broke into the house and the only thing that was stolen was the ice cream?
Husband: (without breaking eye contact) Yes.
Me: How much for the doggy in the window
Store Employee: That’s Karen. She works here
Imagine being in a band with Freddie Mercury and thinking “maybe I’ll sing this next one”
Me: objection your honour!
Judge : sustained
Me: *takes deep breath* objectionnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnn
Warning to friends:
If you piss me off I’ll put a for sale sign in my yard and list your phone number to call for inquiries.