Me: Rest assured I will go to the grave with your secret.
Pat: Thank you.
Me: Unfortunately so will my golfing buddies.
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Q: What Do You Call Cheese That Isn’t Yours?
A: Nacho Cheese.
Friend: Onamatopoeias make me violent.
Me: Gulp.
According to WebMD, people are Sick & Tired of me
Angry church people on Good Friday are Fast and Furious
<reads 15 positive reviews of a product> I’m totally getting this.
<then reads 1 negative review> Forget it, it’s obvious crap.
Sometimes I like to call random numbers and if an older man answers I’ll say, “Hi. I know this sounds crazy, but I’m your daughter.”
love is out there. so are bigfoot and the loch ness monster
Me: hey girl r u an earthquake
Her: aw bc I rock ur world?
Me: no bc your unpredictability threatens the entire foundation of my existence
Child: Do you have any cool side effects from your vaccine shot?
Me: No super powers, but I do look more handsome today.
Child: So, it’s affected your vision?
Pulling my treadmill out of the closet after an 11 month vacation, I’m pretty sure I heard it say “not this again.“
You fools! Whether or not
Die Hard is a Christmas movie doesn’t really matter. The tradition of arguing over it is what counts. 🎄🎅🏻🌃
Got ya covered
Zoology should be spelled zooology but science isnt ready for that conversation yet
Apparently I need to go on a diet if I want to have room in my pockets for snacks. Why is life so hard?
I have determined there is no quiet way to get a pan out of a cabinet in the morning
My hot friend: I’ve been alternating CrossFit, yoga and running.
Me: I hear you. I have a mild cough so my abs have been sore for two days.
invention of lasagna: what if pasta was a book
*slams jug on counter*
Boom! Fresh milk from the neighbor’s cows.
Wife: Ummm they don’t have cows…they have Dalmatians.
How many pans of brownies eaten gets me the Girl Scout badge for gluttony?
We just joined a gym and they asked me to pick a 4 digit member number and I opened my mouth and my husband said, “I stg if you use your bank pin.”
I was, in fact, going to use my bank pin💀
Her: “Men are creepy!”
Me, from inside of the closet:
“Yes, we are.”
Two reasons you never date at work: 1. HR frowns upon it. 2. Your partner gets super pissed.
Date: Do you go camping?
Me: Our ancestors evolved in order to give us pillow-top mattresses and flushing toilets. Why would I sleep outside?
Catch Pokemon?
No thanks. I’m STD- Free.
This guy next to me thinks I’m flirting, but really I’m just trying to see where he parks so I can steal his gas
god: *inventing horse* this is pretty fast
angel: and so wild
god: only a lunatic would ride one
angel: are you—
god: —ima make a lunatic
When I say someone is a good doctor it’s entirely based on the strength of their waiting room Wi-Fi.
The number of supermarket loyalty cards I have suggests I am anything but.
me: ..but is it peri-NE-um or per-IN-eum?
priest: for the third time, confession does not need to be this specific
Fun Fact: 100% of people don’t know what to do with a dirty dish at someone else’s house.