If you would have told me when I started this account that my dumb parenting jokes would eventually lead to a dream job writing for a Netflix series, I would’ve said that was crazy. Fast forward to today, and I can confirm that it’s crazy. Nothing remotely like that has happened.
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“This is why I hate fancy restaurants, I can never pronounce anything on the menu”
-me, drunk, holding the Waffle House menu upside down
I went to bed last night and my brother came out of the closet and scared the shit out of me, I forgot we were playing hide and seek…
Normalize answering the phone by saying, “Caller, you’re on the air.”
REPORTER: still feel it was a good idea to spend all $80 million of your lottery winnings on this?
ME: [using my 28 surgically added hands to pet 30 dogs at once] yes
[a 31st dog walks by]
ME: oh no
I like my women like I like my woods: haunted & can kill me at any moment.
“MEN, WE ARE AT WAR WITH THE GREEKS & MUST NOT DROP OUR GUARD AT ALL”
“Sir, the enemy gave us a giant wooden horse”
“Oh rad bring it in”
I made my will yesterday and had to make my lawyer the beneficiary because my estate will just about cover his bill
3yo: Daddy, I lost the recorder behind the couch
Me: Oh… that’s too bad
10yo: we can just move the couch…
Me: no we can’t!
10yo: yes we can…
Me: the couch is bolted down!
10yo: it’s not…
Me: you don’t know that!
10yo:(starts moving couch) yes I do
Me: GO TO YOUR ROOM
“I’ve lost 200 pounds in just one year.”
“Oh. CrossFit?”
“No. Gambling.”
I like my coffee black just like my sabbath
Ugh warm weather is here, time to
de-Sasquatch-ify my legs.
I like to intentionally barge into guys wearing camo and then look around bewildered like I have no idea what I just ran into.
What percentage of the zombies are just chasing you down to tell you they’re vegan?
My 4YO asked me, “can I take your picture mama cuz you’re so beautiful,” but it was actually because she wanted my phone to look for YouTube videos.
*cleaning Dorito dust off of a crayon drawing of Spongebob* yeah I restore art
[my first day as a bartender]
Customer: I’d like a Jack and Coke
Me: Is Pepsi ok?
Customer: Sure
Me: One Pepsi and Coke coming right up
whenever a man says he’s well endowed I always hope he means with a grant from the government for his new art project
crazy how I used to get arrested for getting drunk outdoors and now it’s pretty much encouraged
I noticed you were watching as I struggled to find my mouth with my straw. Glad we could share that moment.
I keep getting questions about whether or not I’m actually running for president. The answer is yes. And on top of that, I’m holding a knife, so I’m running even faster than all the other candidates.
I bought a book on eBay called, ‘How to scam on eBay’.
That was two months ago, and it’s not arrived yet.
My sons consider “it’s bedtime” my first offer in the negotiation process
Hollywood is done for – you might not believe me, but this is Al.
I NEED TO GET BACK TO THE OLD ME WHEN I HAD MY SHIT TOGETHER. I THINK I WAS 7.
I’m a lady and a single parent. If I ever make a joke about having a big load, I guarantee it’s about laundry.
Sharks. Alligators. Cockroaches. I hate em all.
Any animal that hasn’t changed in millions of years is clearly up to something.
EVERYBODY NEEDS TO STOP WHAT THEY ARE DOING RIGHT NOW AND ACKNOWLEDGE THE FACT THAT I HAVE JUST SEEN A BEAVER.
Buying In Bulk
In theory: Oh good, I’ll have enough chips to last all month
In reality: I’m gonna eat 5 family size bags of chips tonight
me: do you sell ducks?
him: yes, but they’re going quick
me: ok I’ll take one
[later]
duck: quick
me: I see
Exercise good judgement? I don’t think so, I don’t exercise anything.