On a scale of 1 to ‘Maxi pad with wings’
How self-absorbed are you?
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Leaving my browser history open in case anyone in this coffee shop tries to steal my laptop when I’m in the bathroom.
Wasn’t trying to push all your buttons, but in my defense I was looking for mute.
I took Social Studies for so many years, but I still don’t know how to socialize
I take no responsibility for anything I said or did yesterday.
I was young. It was a different time.
Isn’t anyone here that can fake a football convo like me:
“He’s showing signs of improving”
“He’s a beast”
“He just has to keep those interceptions low”
“It’s been a wild season”
“Yeah they’re so stacked”
“Yeah that offensive line”
Lol I don’t know shit about football.
I’ll only go to your NYE party if I can bring a -1.
Like, I show up, pick a person, and then they have to go home.
Stallone: I’m making a movie about composers. I’m playing Beethoven.
Van Damme: I’ll be Mozart.
Schwarzenegger: Stop it guys, I’m not saying it.
Having a rough day? At least you’re not Courtney Love’s gynecologist.
[watching Friends]
NIECE: I love this show
ME: aw I loved it when I was ten too *ruffles her hair* you are gonna have such unrealistic expectations for how close your adult friendships will be
Still writing HBO Max on my checks
The sole purpose of a potato masher is to prevent you from opening a drawer.
ME: my clothes are getting smaller
WIFE: you’re probably just putting on a little weight
ME: *pulling lint from dryer* then explain this
Pro revenge tip: Paint a Jesus-shaped stain on your hated neighbor’s driveway, then alert local churches.
“Be a deer, would ya” she says, mounting your head on the wall.
Survival Tip:
If confronted by a dinosaur while hiking, politely but firmly explain that it is extinct.
Mom: Have you tried the lemon squares?
Me, joking: Nah, I’m allergic to shapes
Mom, serious: It doesn’t look like you’re allergic to round
my Roomba bravely tries to trip my attacker as they chase me through the house
it was hard being a teenager with the last name لزيق i mean stalk one guy and you’re لزيقة for the next three years
In Germany Die Hard is called The Hard
Don’t spend money on body modification. If you wait long enough, your body modifies itself for free.
Actually cracking up @ this
Farmer: These two chickens share a nest
No one:
Me: Would you call that cooperation?
I ate the whole box of slim fast bars. So excited about how skinny I’ll be when I wake up tomorrow.
You know what they say. You can lead a camel to water but you can’t keep your leggings out of its toe
Vet: your dog has a virus, causing the weakness and lethargy
Me: oh no!
Vet: if you give him this medicine, he’ll get back to his usual energy levels
Me: OH NO!
Necessity is the mother of invention, and the wife of bill.
Bill is the only one in the family with a normal name.
“on your left u see fred in camo, on your right is bertha, she has ridden many miles on that electric cart.” If walmart had tour guides.
[woken up by barking]
wife: oh god it’s an intruder!
me: sssshhh [listens carefully] no, it’s definitely a dog
Me: Welcome to my home! Make yourself confit!
Her: Thanks! *grabs a blanket* Wait… did you say “comfy”?
Me: *setting a tray of duck legs and bucket of duck fat in front of her* I did not.