Thoughts while driving:
-Hope that light stays green.
-Hope it stays yellow.
-Hope no one saw me run that red light.
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Who blons a dumb de now, eh? WHO BLONS A DUMB DE NOW?
My kid has been walking around with an uneaten chocolate bar in her backpack for five weeks, if she doesn’t eat it soon I’m going to have to ground her for making poor life choices
Her- um.. why are you wearing a Darth Vader mask?
Me- you said lets do Yoda together
H- I SAID YOGA YOU DOPE
M- VERY WRONG I WAS
just leaving a message to let you know I got your text
– voicemails from my dad
Gym memberships are for people who don’t have toddler toys all over the house to pick up.
I saw this post on Tumblr awhile ago and I liked the visual so much I had to draw it
🐀🐀🐀🐀🐀🐀🐀🐀
If a cannibal ate a comedian, that would lead to some funny shit.
Back to the Future but it’s just me trying to break my parents up at the school dance
My 8 year old son got a Wonka Bar for Christmas. His friend said that he didn’t know they sold them in real life & my son said of course they Oompa loompa doompety doo.
When we die, do you think that we go to heaven and reunite with all of the socks we have lost over the years? And St. Peter is just smiling like “go on in, they’re waiting for you” and it’s just a plush, green meadow full of all of your lost socks frolicking in the sun.
I didn’t sign up for the 401k at work, because there’s no way I can run that far.
*enters contest*
Contest: “Wrong hole.”
Went out of town for the weekend and I’m so happy to be home so I can have insomnia in my own bed
I got carded at the liquor store. While getting my ID out my Blockbuster card fell out. He laughed and said “Never mind.”
IAN: Just how do fleas jump so high?
ME: Your guess is as good as mine
I: I reckon they wear tiny tiny Air Jordans
M: Ok I take that back
NURSE: the doctor has pronounced your father dead
ME: oh my god we’ve been calling him dad all this time
Casual sex robots have rebooty calls
I always take two stairs at a time, that way if I fall, it’s only half the distance…..
We should probably abolish the death penalty since we don’t even get to throw rotten vegetables at people anymore
Yesterday 9 asked what’s the meaning of life and 6 punched him, but that was yesterday when I was on acid. Numbers don’t usually talk to me.
My 8yo just asked if he could peel off my skin to see my bones when I die and then said “just kidding” in a very unconvincing tone.
Yelling at a dog to stop barking doesn’t work. The dog probably just thinks,
“Awesome, now we’re both barking.”
Me: please give my compliments to the chef
[later]
Waiter to chef: The sweater that guy at Table 7 is wearing really brings out his eyes
I bet The Ring really made it hard for dead people that want to crawl out of your tv for friendly reasons.
*cleaning Dorito dust off of a crayon drawing of Spongebob* yeah I restore art
Doctor: How long ago did you injure your shoulder?
Women: 9:45am on Monday at work
Men: Sometime between yesterday and 2002
[in the park]
Me: Aww I see you have a puppy too…
Her: uh huh, I guess…
Me: [walks off dragging a beer can on a string]
*the fog lifts*
*the fog eats a high protein-low fat diet*
*the fog does cardio*
*the fog is fit af*
I would like a formal apology each time I prove to my computer it wrongly accused me of being a robot.
I like for my resolutions to be attainable so this year I resolve that I will neither become the pope nor will I become a cannibal.