My doctor said my cervix is perfect.
I’m still blushing.
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A drunk wakes up in jail, “Why am I here officer?”
“For drinking.” replies the cop.
“Great” says the man. “When do we start?”
them: where do you see yourself in five years
me: i don’t make long-term plans in case of the rapture
Remember when movies didn’t show you the entire plot in the trailer?
When people ask if I’m being serious or if I’m joking, my answer is always yes.
You know a guy is a creep if he shelves American Psycho with “how-to books.”
Don’t you hate it when you leave your gym bag in the hot car and all your Hershey Bars melt?
Should we just leave the door open for Santa since we don’t have a chimney?
-my kid who is about to get us burglarized
Just bought a set of alphabet magnets for my fridge, so this may very well be my last tweet.
Popeye just relied on the spinach to turn him into a bucking mule or his hands into sledgehammers. He really had no fighting technique.
Scientists say North America is going to sink into the ocean but we can change that.
With a healthy diet and a little bit of exercise.
me: I’ll take this goth pear
cashier: that’s an avocado
it’s only a faux pas if it’s from the faux pas region of france, otherwise it’s just a sparkling oops
It’s never a cool story. It’s always, “how did you hurt your knee?” I don’t know. “Well, what were you doing? “ Walking.
me: I don’t like other people’s kids
them: how old are yours?
me: I don’t have any
yeah not falling for this one
That depressing moment when you thought a hot chick was checking you out in the beer aisle but only to find out she was just a cardboard cutout.
My son asked me
“Where does poo come from?”
I was a little uncomfortable but gave him an honest explanation.
He looked a little perplexed, and stared at me in stunned silence for a few seconds and asked, “And Tigger?”
Alright…who left me unsupervised again?
Hey baby, I’m like Fred Flintstone I can really make your bed-rock. Also I live in a cave and don’t have any electricity
Man to Psychiatrist; Dr I’m very depressed, all my 3 sons want to grow up and want to be valets.
Psychiatrist; This is the strangest case of Parking sons disease I’ve come across.
I feel pretty smart until I realize the wild ducks I’m surprised by on my neighbor’s lawn are metal lawn ornaments he’s had for 5 years.
Her idea of extending an olive branch was to sharpen one end first, then extend it REALLY hard.
Worlds greatest photobomb
[after sex]
Her: wow that was loud
Tin man: I’m a bit rusty
It took 3 minutes to get my baby out via c-section and yet it takes me a solid 15 minutes to get a toy out of its packaging!?!?
Why am I easier to open than a toy?!?
If you dropped two noodles on the floor, they would probably resemble my name more than my signature does…
“We’re all in this together” used to sound comforting — until I realized it means I’m relying on a lot of stupid Americans to stay alive.
Sister, I can do this until twitter breaks
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