coworker: anyone else smell lasagna?
me excited about my new vape juice: guess what
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“Just ask him, Harry.”
“I don’t think-“
“Just ask him.”
“Excuse me, sir? I’m trying to find the Holiday Inn Express.”
Me: I somersaulted down a hill yesterday, just like in the movies, it was so crazy
Angel: yes that’s why you’re here
What if aliens watch our movies about aliens and then invade accordingly in hopes of fitting in with our culture?
Newlyweds: Our love will be strong & unapologetic
[3 months later]
Him: How many bottles of shampoo do you need?
Her: I fake it every time
The only way I’d be invited to a dinner party is to be hunted by rich people for sport.
I just hit the back arrow on a website and it took me to a page that said “before you leave” no. I already made the decision.
[Pompeii 79 AD]
me: wow can’t believe I’m finally a homeowner. Nothing could ruin this day.
THERAPIST: your problem is, that youre perfect, and everyone is jealous of your good posts, and that makes you rightfully upset.
ME: I agree
Candy cigarettes really use to be a thing and we really bought them and walked around like we were smokers at the tender age of 6.
[spending entire date hiding the fact I’m really a beaver]
“ow”
what’s wrong?
“I got a splinter”
may I see?
“I guess so”
delicious
“pardon?”
Whew, call me a Boeing 737 cause I’m barely holding it together
You young couples with your dogs, your trial children, you’ll learn nothing about parenting because you can never teach a toddler to “sit”.
So much rainfall recently that Devon is now officially classed as a soup.
Reporter: so what is it like being in Maroon 5 when you’re not Adam Levine, um Mr. Uh-
*quickly googles for his name but google has no idea*
What’s a demon’s favorite Hungarian food?
.
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.
.
.
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Ghoulash.And…
…am I doing this joke thing right?
I’d rather drop a baby than my iPhone…. I mean I can make another baby, but I have no clue how to make an iPhone.
a group of ocelots is called an awfelot
If u ever rob someones house just bring guacamole that way if they catch you you can just yell surprise and tell them they’re having a party
Ok I’ll come clean. When people say “asking for a friend,” they’re talking about me. I’m the friend. I have a lot of embarrassing questions.
The only thing worse than watching a 30-minute cartoon is not watching it then listening to your kid’s 45-minute recap.
You know you’re getting older when the person telling you to slow down is you’re doctor, not a cop.
[mall]
Me: That guy looks SO familiar!
Wife: …
M: Maybe an actor? Musician?
W: …
M: I’ll get an autograph!
W: He’s our mailman, moron.
[office]
Me: Happy Black Friday!
Latisha: …
Me: I made a cake!
Latisha: …
Me: …
Latisha: …
Me: …
Latisha: …
Me: It’s chocolate.
Someone explain why clothes are so expensive? I should not have to pay this much to not be naked. People should pay ME to not be naked
My kid will be out of the house in a few years and it just makes me sad thinking about how much work I’ll have to put into updating her room to a home gym
Wife: I’m going to the store. Need anything?
Me: Get some uhhh [can’t remember the name Aquafresh] Neapolitan toothpaste
So, is Dora 18 yet, or what? Asking for a friend.
If the couch is barking, you’re sitting on the dog.
The problem with baking cinnamon rolls is that you will eat them all in one go
Why do they report on the hurricane by standing in the middle of the hurricane?
When there’s a house fire, no one reports on it from inside the house.