When you work at McDonald’s they put Mc in front of your name. Unless you’re called Beth. Then you’re known as “the Scottish play”
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the beatles really said “i am the walrus, i am the eggman” and the world was like “ok”
a bathrobe is being naked with plausible deniability and pockets.
1980s : average parent ; 4 kids
2016: average kid ; 4 parents
I’m starving and all I have is a refrigerator full of health food. I hate who I was four days ago.
the main thing dating apps have taught me is that there are towns within 20 miles of me that I’ve somehow never heard of
If you see a woman holding Fifty Shades of Grey, smile and say “congratulations on your first book!”
{first day in prison}
Inmate 1: Whatcha in for?
Inmate 2: Armed Robbery
Inmate 3: Carjacking
Me: I tried using TurboTax to do my own taxes.
Is there something about me that suggests I want to hear about your smoothie cleanse, because I can change.
I yelled, “what are you doing!?” and my 3yo threw her fruit snacks like she was running away from the cops.
Welcome to parenthood. You’re about to spend an irrational amount of time convincing a sleepy person to go to sleep
Did you ever think about ten years ago you’d be saying.. “I really hope this is a chick I’m talking to”.
[sees kid crying]
Kid: Im lost
Me: that’s ok. We’re all lost. Happiness is an illusion. Life is meaningless. Death is around the corner. Bye
How about the No Bucket Challenge? Basically you just give a charity some money and don’t tell anyone about it.
If you blast Foreigner’s “I Want To Know What Love Is”, the naked old guys in the gym locker room cover up pretty damn quick.
Bruce Willis calls the cops to report the pug that’s been chasing him. The line is silent except for soft panting. the operator barks
I’m concerned that the Mars Perseverance rover is stealing jobs from space cowboys
Cop: I need statements from you both
Miley: he came in like a wrecking ball!
Bull: all I wanted was a china bowl
ME: holy shit is that the pope?!
HER [tugging on my arm]: sit down that’s the bride
Mankind has made a lot of mistakes, some of them truly monstrous. The Holocaust. Slavery. Calling it a “corn maze” and not a “maize maze.”
Usually I have to go faster than 30 for that to happen
I’m really bad at measuring the correct amount of pasta when cooking, so if you and 79 of your friends want spaghetti tonight…I got extra.
#WhenIWasYourAge: We had to open all doors by ourselves. None of them knew we were coming.
Me: I’ve decided to be a mermaid so I can sing and swim all day and have a coconut phone
Him: But, you hate coconut?
Me. Why the hell would I eat my coconut phone? Ugh. It’s like you don’t even understand reality.
Farmers are always so proud of themselves until you ask if they can put the milk back in the cow
I’m the kind of girl who won’t stop until you’re screaming your safeword.
Related: Your safeword’s the first 16 digits of your credit card.
I applied for a loan from the U.S. Government, but was turned down because I had a legitimate repayment plan
Every time my husband wakes me up to tell me I’m snoring we end up having sex. I’m beginning to question whether or not I snore.
My cat has learned to help himself to snacks so obviously this homeschooling is a raging success.
Saw a woman leave her dog in the car, engine running, air on. He watched her from the front seat for a moment and then drove away
mom: please, please just go play with the other children
christopher robin: *googling how to order zoloft* I can’t the stuffed donkey I’m friends with is clinically depressed