It’s weird how obituaries state that someone was “survived” by, say, a son and daughter, as if the deceased hadn’t quite got round to murdering them.
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[cross-country trip]
me: can you take over for a while, i am going to lie down in the back and take a nap
passenger: sir i’m not licensed to drive a bus
I usually base my religious and political beliefs on flyers and pamphlets handed to me on the street.
Friends don’t tell friends 1980 was 40 years ago.
FRIEND: I hate when people refer to their pets as children.
ME: You do that all the time with your dog.
FRIEND: I don’t have a dog.
ME: …
FRIEND: Are you referring to my toddler?
ME: …Probably.
A hammock is really cool until you try to get out of it. I’m going to have to live here now. Goodnight.
I always keep pepper spray in my purse, you know, in case someone tries to attack me or make small talk
COME TO ME JOURNALBOT
*Journalbot enters my study*
ok write this down: Polar bears are bear ghosts. “polargeists”
[very sad robot noises]
Wife: we argue a lot about money
Therapist: well that’s not uncommon among coupl-
Me: Andrew Jackson was a genocidal murderer and should be taken off the twenty dollar bill. I am not budging on this, Diane.
There should be shopping carts available in the middle of the grocery store for people like me who thought they’ll be able to carry their stuff but eventually have to admit that they can’t.
as a baby i drank gin and now i eat pine trees no problem. my brother on the other hand, didnt start drinking gin til he was 22 and everyday he struggles eating his pine tree
Camp Detective: [struggling to get out of a hammock] I suppose you’re all – ugh – I suppose you’re all wondering – mmmmph! Goddamit – why I called you here toda- no! Don’t help me I CAN DO IT
We’re having lobsters for dinner .
Update – we have pet lobsters now
My boss accused me of being overly dramatic, I lamented in a soliloquy as I threw myself across the desk in feigned shock
It is a truth universally acknowledged ON MARS that a single woman in possession of a good fortune must be in want of a wife.
This morning my neighbor put a note in my letterbox telling me off for honking my horn to say goodbye to my kids at 9am yesterday
This evening, I’m learning to play the drums
Ain’t gonna lie. Growing up, I thought Bermuda triangle is gonna be a bigger problem than it turned out to be.
Ugh, suicidal cannibals are always so full of themselves
“seasonal depression” makes it sound like i brought it home from the farmers’ market
I don’t think Harambe would have wanted this
My dentist told me to relax, then got all judgey about me uncorking my wine in his office. He needs to make up his mind.
I called my 2yo handsome today and he proceeded to stare at his hands for the next 5 minutes.
An interesting development in the Kim <> Kanye saga
so apparently it’s still a dui even if youre the birthday boy
I’m sitting in my car (eating peanut butter crackers) while watching a couple in another car (who are both eating cheeseburgers) & they’re watching a guy in another car (who is eating pizza.)
HOW TO SURVIVE A BEAR ATTACK:
STEP 1: buy a recliner
STEP 2: buy some beer
STEP 3: stay home and watch tv instead of going into the woods
[texting friend]
me: my wife and I had an argument and she just started texting her mom, is that bad
friend: oh man
me: now she’s texting my mom
friend: OH MAN
Me: and from this day I vow never to rest until vengeance is paid and justice pours down like the blood of our enemies
Priest: uh— th—the bride has also written her vows
*phone rings
Me: Hello?
Telemarketer: Hello how are you today?
Me to son: Come here baby, SpiderMan is on the phone!
{commercial for Hallmark}
This Valentine’s Day, get her that piece of paper she always wanted with words on it.