richard dawkins got owned again. when will this man learn
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Him: Look at the poodle I got for my wife!
Me: That’s a pretty good trade…
Me reading cooking instructions off the bag I just threw out
Me: I want to be sculpted like a Greek god
Plastic surgeon: We can help with-
Me: *opens mouth* Fill me with cement
The problem with this world is that they just let anyone in.
My doctor: you really need to work on getting that D into you
Me: bro I’m trying, I’ve got a date next week and everything
coworker: those are some crazy socks
me: well I guess th-
socks: THE GOVERNMENT RECORDS ALL OF OUR PHONE CALLS & IS HIDING UFO EVIDENCE
oh you like road-trips? name every road then
The political activism in this country has gotten out of hand. My son is lobbying for equal pay from the tooth fairy after hearing that some kid got $20.
December 26th is the sad day where I have to take the Christmas tree behind the garage and shoot it
I was really embarrassed when my wife caught me playing with my son’s train set by myself. In a moment of panic, I threw a bedsheet over it.
I think I managed to cover my tracks.
#HatDadJoke
I’m a:
⚪man
⚪woman
🔘cowboyOn a:
⚪skateboard
⚪carpet
🔘steel horseI:
⚪shred
⚪fly
🔘rideI’m wanted (wanted):
🔘dead
🔘alive
Detective: Don’t leave town.
Me, thinking about gas money: Ok
Scientist next to me: My god. Reality is a simulation.
Me (also a scientist): My god. I haven’t fed my tamagotchi in 17 years.
My husband is lecturing me on cyber security which is hilarious coming from someone who has imslimshady1234 as his password.
“HEY NANCY, HAVE YOU SEEN MY SOCKS?”
[A field]
*An elderly Louie Pasteur and I sit among the clover, I hold a shotgun*
Me: It’s time to put you out to pasture. *Cocks shotgun*
Don’t text me that you’re gonna kick my ass, that lacks passion. Key it on the side of my truck.
Wouldn’t recommend it, but I’d admire you.
the ideal man is always thinking of several cool things at once (throwing a football really far, a truck with big wheels, giving a lot of high fives)
Every so often I’ll tell my son the car is making strange noises and that I need to listen just to get a break from hearing him talk.
Felt sad that rabbits ate all my marigolds.
Then felt glad that I don’t have to water them anymore.
Suburban life is a roller coaster.
I finally have glasses, which is great because I needed one more thing to frantically search for every morning.
Alexa, give me the winning lottery numbers for tonight
two things can be true at once. for instance, I love my children more than anything, and I am also constantly counting the hours until bedtime to the goddamn second
[job interview]
“So what would you say is your biggest weakness?”
“I’m pretty bad at reading situations.” *tries to kiss interviewer*
Wife: [watching the news] oh God, did you see Petsmart got robbed?!
Me: [loud barks coming from all 19 pockets of my parachute pants] nope
i want to try Dungeons and Dragons but you need more than 3 friends to even start?? that’s the hardest dungeon of all
They’re playing loud country music outside the liquor store.
Like that’s going to dissuade me.
Person: I’m a spelling bee champion.
Me: Bee isn’t that hard to spell.
*overheard from the other room
8yo: Can I have an ice cream sandwich?
Grandma: Did you finish your dinner?
8yo: No
Grandma: Just one then