My wife wants to be something really scary this Halloween so she’s carrying around a tape measure and asking, “is this a load bearing wall?”
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In Canada, elevators only come with a ‘hold door open’ button and a ‘hold door open longer’ button
Death is often a good career move if you’re a poet.
With no training whatsoever, I took out myself and the other two people exiting the ski lift in one fell swoop.
Me: I hope you don’t mind that I got a dog for our son.
Wife: Of course not, where is he?
Me: I just told you.
“This custard-filled donut will be bought… by a murderer!”
-The Eclairvoyant
Did you know a tornado with no debris is called a naked twister?
Related: This evening is not going how I imagined.
Someone forgot to tell my body that calories after midnight don’t count
They should use the good cop/bad cop tactic with more occupations, like good proctologist/bad proctologist.
Of course everyone says that their kid is SO smart. No decent parent would ever say, “This is my boy Jack, he’s as dumb as a bag of hair.”
Dear Religion,
Pics or it didn’t happen.
Love, Science
Friends with no kids are like:
Want to go to New Zealand this Friday?
My aunt’s ex-boyfriend’s mailman’s brother said it on Facebook so I don’t think any further research is necessary.
This is amazing.
Sure, sex is great, but have you ever shoved a bunch of pots and pans in the cabinet and shut the door real quick for the next person to deal with?
I want my hearse to have ‘JUST DIED’ written on the windshield with cans tied to the rear bumper.
If you ever want a bad date to end just say “you remind me of my mother.” If you REALLY want to sell it leave out the “my”
[late to work]
boss: well ??
me: (panicking) uhh my car got stuck in the suez canal
My body feels like it’s aging in dog years
Forget roses, lay me down on a bed of my favorite donuts.
Yes I am 45, male and love cats. Recently I posted a selfie. It could be worse though, right? Hello?
Her: Oh, a handsome man like you must be used to compliments.
Me: Yes, but do go on…
[airport]
SON: can i yell bomb?
DAD: no.
SON: hijack?
DAD: nope.
SON: how about shitballer?
DAD: uh yeah i guess but please don’t.
NOO THERES A MOSQUITO IN MY ROOM AND IT WANTS ME. BAD
You can lead a horse to water, but you probably can’t do it as well as Sneaky Gary, the serial horse drowner.
Me: *talking to teen daughter*
Teen: I can’t hear you.
Me: *unplugs WiFi*
Teen: I HEARD THAT!
LAWYER: [whispers] i did the murder [loudly] read that back?
STENOGRAPHER: “I Did The Murder.”
JUDGE: omg the stenographer just confessed
don’t look at the title of Kill Bill before you watch because it’s a bit of a spoiler
The key to happiness in life is to set yourself small, achievable goals.
Ion see the issue