HR says I’m not allowed to scream “OH GOD IT BURNS MAKE IT STOP” when I walk through the front door at work anymore 🙁
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my body: *works a complex system of biological processes to scab over my damaged skin*
me: *about to rip the scab off for no reason*
[ going out ]
wife: you’re wearing that?
me: i guess not
January 27th is Mozart’s birthday. Mozart died at 34 years old.
Had he lived he would be 259 years old on Tuesday
You wanna do stuff with toys in bed? Let’s do it; I’ve already got like 3 hot wheels cars and a Barbie in there right now, so….
You’re never too old to set goals. For example, today I’m not going to pee in my pants.
My neighbor’s facebook movie is just a montage of me caught on surveillance video, stealing his newspaper every morning.
My brain doesn’t sea typos until I’ve already hit send.
Why do I “need” an assault rifle? Why did Rosa Parks “need” to sit in the front of the bus? Because Merica, that’s why.
“Update your Adobe or you’ll be sleeping with the fishes”
– Flash mob
He said he likes curvy women and what my man wants, my man gets
*eats 14th Oreo cookie*
“You have a BA? Ooooh! Look at you! Well, I have a BA, an MA, & a PhD.”
– 3rd degree burn
I’m not wrong
The main difference between my dog and my kid is my dog responds to her name being called
I’m sad because of all the money I’ve lost in the market recently but I’m also really excited to start replying with “IN THIS ECONOMY?!” anytime people ask me to do anything.
Him: Baby imma call you back, im in the middle of a shootout.
Her: Yea w.e, tell that bitch I said she can have you.
Me: I’m so tired.
Phone: Put me down and go to sleep.
Me and Phone: HAHAHAHAHA!
I’m already putting money away for the my future child’s therapy because I know they’ll be emotionally scarred from having their friends always comment on how hot their mom is
Miss 9: When I grow up I’m going to have this house. When you.. you know..
I just want a stalker that will power wash my deck while I’m at work
911,What’s your emergency?
Me: I think it’s a heart attack
911: Can you call back when you’re sure, we’re watching Walking Dead
The elites don’t want you to know this but the ducks at the park are free you can take them home I have 458 ducks
The older you get the farther away your toenails are when they need a trim
Oh I must be looking sexy this morning…the donut shop glazed the hell outta those donuts
Had a yard sale to raise some much-needed cash. I really miss that yard.
You ever released wind at the bank and accidentally deposited loose change?
Me: *trying to fill the void with food and booze*
Fellow Astronaut: THAT WAS 12 YEARS WORTH OF SUPPLIES!
My downstairs neighbor thinks I’m a little creepy and that I overstep my bounds. At least that’s what she wrote in her diary.
[First person to ride a horse]
‘I’m going to sit on that thing and I don’t care how angry it gets.’
Them: Farm animals don’t make good pets
Me: Hold my goat
God: Any other requests?
Angel: Ooh! Do a cow in sunglasses, holding a cigarette!
God: No problem.