Good news: He told me I was his penguin.
Bad news: Penguins only have sex once a year.
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Walmart keeps two elderly people on staff at all times: one to greet you, and one to walk slowly in front of you on the way out.
Alright…who left me unsupervised again?
Everybody want to be a gangsta till it’s time to go to jail.
Verizon: we don’t plan to murder anyone
America: so it’s ok if we keep murder illegal then
Verizon:
Verizon: no
I never had a childhood bully, but I do have a toddler, so same.
*drops acid*
*picks up acid*
*drops acid*
*picks up acid*
*drops acid*
*picks up acid*
*drops acid**checks for abs, finds a clown
That last arrested development season was pretty bad but I still laugh thinking of this cut that is supposed to be seconds after the previous season ended but can’t mask the 6 years production gap
if you’re hiding from a deranged killer and forget to put your phone on silent, at least make the ringtone the benny hill theme.
CNN needs to reevaluate the use of Breaking News. Perhaps “Latest Speculative News” or “We Really Don’t Know Shit” would work.
CNN call me.
This goddamn CVS receipt is taller than I am
When my boss is mad and takes it out on me, I do less work.
Can’t reward bad behavior with a positive response.
Training works both ways
Me: I don’t run.
Bees: Let’s see.
“Okay, try putting it in reverse.”
The grocery store really hates it when you ask to try on the turkeys and shove your fist inside them up to your elbow.
Someone put the toilet paper roll on backwards and I’m furious and also I live alone
Oh, you’re about to earn your 3rd master’s degree? I’m still working on spelling “bananas” without singing “Hollaback Girl” in my head.
gen z girls can dress like 1998 all they want, but they’ll never know the joy of your parents having literally no way to get ahold of you until u come home
*looking at a stalactite*
ME: Man, look at that stalagmite!
GUIDE: —tite
ME: Right? Dope as hell.
Just heard Justin Bieber vowed not to return to the UK after his disastrous tour here.
Well done the UK. Well done.
I was selling ad spots in a low budget print magazine. A dude sent an animated gif. I explained it’s printed. “So?” It won’t animate… “why not?” It’s on paper. “So?”
Her: You’re a pathological liar!
Me: …and the King of Spain.
If your one of those people whose not very good at grammar, that makes too of us.
Me: Do you want anything from Chipotle?
CW: Yeah….just surprise me.
Me: *comes back with no food*
SURPRISE!
Someone: wanna hear something interesting?
Anxiety: for the love of God say no SAY NO
Me: sure
Anxiety: you brought this on yourself
who did the taste test?
I bet you’re all super stoked about election year coming up
If you name a baby “Steve” you get to spend all day, like, “Yo, my man Steve shit himself and threw a potato at the cat.”
did the people you had a crush on always like you back or are you funny?
Before you ask for my help, you should know I don’t even measure when I cook.
Ima weiner. Damn I meant winer. Dammit I’m a winner. Hucked on fonics it made me look like an moroon.