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Friend of mine confused IUD with IED and I couldn’t stop laughing
Everyone: Wow, I love your official animal.
Aussies: Thanks, it has pockets.
Forget waterboarding, just put a cold hand on my belly and I’ll tell you anything you want to know.
I heard time is money, so I quit my job. Now I have lots of time!
5 years ago my dad texted me “i dreamed up the title of a poem last night” and i said “what was the title” and he said “Thoughts Upon Receiving Notice The Frogs Had Cast Off Their Green Skins and Revealed Their True Glorious Selves” and i have thought of that every day since.
[Restaurant]
Waiter: “Dogs aren’t allowed in restaurants.”
Me: “He’s my service dog.”
My dog: “I’m here to fix your refrigerator.”
Your call is very important to us, here’s six days of irritating music.
“This is going to hurt me more than it hurts you” he said, without even realizing that he was holding the tazer backwards.
Personal question. #JustSaying
[Surgery]
Anaestheologist: “Count back from 100, please.”
Me: “100, …, um…, …, uh…”
Anaestheologist: “OK. He’s out!”
*Surgeon starts sawing off leg
*I hold in the pain to disguise the embarrassment over my innumeracy
Curious that it’s always a female computer voice that calmly announces self-destruct sequences and other violent disasters.
My therapist: try working on your active listening skills
Me: goes home and binges Peaky Blinders with no subtitles
Google just alerted me to light traffic in my area which is odd because I’m in the bathtub.
Father: I love both my sons equally.
Max: I know that, dad.
Min: I have my doubts.
buy a fitted sheet one size bigger than your mattress and start living your life
Lucky old June.
I don’t understand why people get excited about carbon dating.
But then perhaps I just haven’t met the right pencil.
Life would be simpler if you were notified when you were added to lists IRL.
“Your crush” has added you to list “Friend Zone”.
I can tell I’m watching too much porn when I’m filling up w/ gas & just before the nozzle clicks off I pull it out and spray it on the car.
He’s an owl with an attitude. She’s a hawk who will take him to church. This fall, Sundays become Fundays on ABC’s new hit ‘Birds of Pray’!
Oh, you got a promotion? Congratulations! I got a promotion at home: my kids unanimously voted me “the WORST.”
when i was in elementary school we learned about a shape called a rhombus & that was the last time i ever heard about that shape ever again
every girl is defined by their one lost love. and by that i mean the one fast food item that was discontinued without warning, subsequently ruining their life
One of my favourite places to find a giggle @funTweeters timeline ☺
All of these stories about missing campers.
Nobody has ever gone missing sitting on their couch.
I don’t always announce myself on conference calls but when I do it’s always at the exact same time as somebody else.
The one thing I think most parents need to realize is, there’s absolutely no secrets that your child doesn’t share about you in the classroom.
I like a woman that makes me feel alive, but also lets me know that it might not be for long.
Im making a fortune promoting home security systems.All I do is say “Hello”.At 3 in the morning sitting at the end of their bed.