Arguing with a woman is like being attacked by a bear…
You’re better off playing dead and hoping they get bored and walk away!
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I hate when the dentist is like “go rinse”… Nah bro. This is all you today. figure it out
A bridesmaid, but it’s just someone to hold the bottom half of my CVS receipt.
Girl: So, your dating profile says you enjoy long walks by the sea & making ur own wine?
Jesus: ON
Girl: What?
Jesus: Long walks ON the sea
Dating profile at 26: I’m cute and interesting and funny and I will find everything you say super interesting. Let’s get married.
46:
I like what I like. I’m not growing my hair long just so you can pet it. I have one cankle, and I bloat after eating. Hit me up.
My wife and I were happy for 24 years. Then we met.
Wind chimes prevent the air from sneaking up on you.
-Marital tech support, how can I help you?
-I’ve lost my connection to my wife.
-Have you tried turning her off and back on?
-I did the first part.
Imagine a giraffe. Now imagine the giraffe trying to get on a pool float. Now put my face on the giraffe. That’s about right.
There’s no song for those of us who want to throw our hands up in the air and wave ‘em like we have a great deal of concern.
Current anxiety level: kindergartner who can’t unbutton his pants
ME: {strips naked and stands on scales} Great! Looks like I’ve lost a few pounds.
STORE MANAGER: Sorry sir, but these scales are for fresh produce only.
Torches were originally called “roamin’ candles” No, YOU shut up!
Her: I have butterflies in my stomach
Me (trying to impress): My skull is full of wasps
“Maybe she’s born with it, but most likely she botched it at home” should be my slogan when I color my own hair.
tornados are just a bunch of ghosts fighting over a cow.
4 asked me to play with her & I said I was making lunch & she yelled “IF YOU DONT I’LL ASK DADDY” & I was about to yell back when I realised it was a win for me so I said “ok ask daddy” but this made her suspicious so now we’re just staring at each other unsure what to do next
Just in case the FBI turns on my web cam, I’ve got a teeny tiny picture of Jimmy Hoffa taped to the lens.
(My kid looking over my shoulder as I sign an email.)
Kid: You’re not a Dr!
Me: YES I AM! What do you think I was studying for all the time when you were little?
Kid: Oh, I thought you just liked reading books and crying.
Twitter is where you ask an actual question for help & get nothing but stars yet you tell a joke with a question mark & everybody answers.
The 4 Secrets to Succeeding in Business:
– Don’t get mauled to death by a lion
– Don’t get mauled to death by a shark
– Don’t get mauled to death by a bear
– Don’t get mauled to death by a wolf(You can’t succeed in business if you’ve been mauled to death by an animal)
My parents waited way too long to tell me about Santa and the Easter Bunny. I was so mad I got in my car & drove away.
Cop: There’s been another break in at the bakery.
Swan: I wouldn’t know anything about it.
Cop: *hands him a bread roll*
Swan: Word at the pond is that ducks did it, but you didn’t hear it from me.
My husband pissed me off so I made him his favorite chocolate chip cookies and used black beans instead of chocolate
Husband: I called my boss “Honey” today.
Wife: What? Why?
H: He was shouting at me and telling me I was wrong, and it just slipped out.
You actually can put a genie back in the bottle. You just have to purée them and use a funnel.
[Spelling Bee]
-Your word is ‘leniency’
-Can you use it in a sentence?
-*gets law degree*
*works in law*
*becomes judge*
*fines robber £1*
She has style. She has grace. She has mayonnaise on her face
The scar above my left eyebrow is from jumping out of a car to escape a Phil Collins song.
having a king is going to take some getting used to. we’re used to our monarch moving as far as they want in any direction but now it’s just one square at a time. much higher chance of being killed by a horse
My dad just called because he was thinking of me & loves me. And THAT’S why I never danced on a pole. Well, that and I got too dizzy.