Want to know how to get that creepy guy to stop texting you “hey beautiful” every morning? Move in together.
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“Excuse me, do you validate parking?”
I sure do, champ. *kisses your forehead* Your parking is second to none.
The key to house hunting is knowing that the house is more afraid of you than you are of it.
Which essential oils calm down household family members? Chloroform?
It’s chloroform isn’t it?
I asked my 5yo if he wanted leftover chicken for dinner, he said ‘ew, that’s a whole day old’ and I didn’t know I gave birth to a mini Gordon Ramsey.
Jeez, try to cash in the “one free back rub” coupon your high school girlfriend gave you on your 15th birthday and her husband gets all apoplectic.
There was no expiration date, Carl.
My 2-yr-old has a toy phone that she pretends to talk on.
She looked right at me and said “hewwo?” into the toy phone.
I grabbed my phone and said, “hello, Isla! This is Daddy!”
She then said, “Isla not home” and hung up on me.
It’s wet right there and I don’t know why
– a one sentence horror story
“why do you take so long in the shower?”
me:
ME (having a disagreement with a friend): I’d like to speak to your manager
I love the originality of Jack-in-the-Box’s marketing. Name one other fast food chain with a clown for a mascot.
Patanjali salt label says it was created 250 million years ago from Himalayan rocks. Expiry is in 2018. Guess they dug it up just in time!😄
I think semi-colons have gotten a bad rap. They should be re-branded as super-commas.
All archaeology proves is that our ancestors were skeletons and they lived underground.
My 8yo wants to make her tween sister’s birthday cake. My tween is mad because she wants to make her own cake. I suggested she have 2 birthday cakes and now everyone is upset.
Apparently the solution to all life’s problems is not more cake.
It’s a bit unnerving when “make chloroform” & “make friends” are the top suggestions as I type “how to” in the search engine…
7: mom look I got my math test back!
me: you got 35 out of 35 that’s 100% im so proud of you!
7: cool, so 35 and 35 is 100?
me: …like I said, said proud…
The biggest laugh at a joke I’ve ever received was on a plane to Amsterdam.
I was on a KLM flight, and the Heineken tall boys were free. When I asked for my fourth, the flight attendant asked me if I think I’d had enough.
I replied, ” Am I gonna have to fly the plane later?
A confidential source has informed me that the earth is gonna hatch
Him: If you’re waiting for me to apologize…
Me: No…no…I’m just waiting to see if you leave any fries behind when you walk away.
When I said I was a “first responder” I meant that I am quick to send the thumbs up emoji in the family text thread.
Me: That was fun! Fist me!
Him: What?!
Me: Fist me!! *holds out knuckles*
Him: …..
Sometimes when I’m driving I’m overcome with an urge to run into an overpass pillar. Anyway, I’m Kris & I’ll be your Uber driver.
Him: He’s just not the sharpest tool in the shed.
Her: Nah! He’s more like a shed with absolutely no tools.
The first five days after the weekend are the worst.
Can’t afford a cat? Duct tape 3 squirrels together, next question
*lets out a blood curdling scream* HELP MY BLOOD IS CURDLING
Hmm. Nissan Altima TV commercial boasts NASA inspired zero-gravity seats. But if you’re in zero gravity, you don’t need seats
So I went to the store and bought 5 oranges, but somehow I lost 2 on the way home. Then when I got home I found I had 3 oranges behind the coffee machine — and now I’m officially the guy from the math problem you hated.
WIFE: It’s your turn to change the baby.
ME: Ugh fine.
[later]
WIFE: Why does our baby have a septum piercing?
ME: His name is torch now.
I’m slowly replacing people in my life with different snack foods.