You’ll never be as lazy as whoever named the fireplace.
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My years of napping and making out with strangers have prepared me for a solid career as a CPR dummy
me: THAT’S IT YOU’RE GROUNDED
son: [shrugs]
me: U LOSE UR PHONE
son: ok
me: AND UR COMPUTER
son: whatever
me: AND…AND…
son: [smirks]
me: NO GRAVITY FOR A WEEK
son: wait, no- [smacks into ceiling]
[Attractive stylist washing out my hair after cutting it]
Stylist: How’s the water temperature?
[Water so hot it’s scalding my scalp]
Me: It’s fine
Breaking news:
I mean, I’m smart, but I’m no Alfred Einstein.
Me: *finally asleep*
Raccoons: Let’s have a rave on the deck and scare the shit out of her at 4am!
My godmother just saw my tweet about sending naked pictures, and she was so excited she posted it to Facebook and tagged my parents. What a time to be alive.
“You know the speed limit here, son?”
45
“You know how fast you were going?”
88
“So where you off to in such a hurry?”
1985
When someone says, “that’s ridiculous, no one will ever do that”, I’m the guy that says, “hold my beer. I’ll do it.”
Sorry I disappeared from our zoom
I fell off my chair trying to shake a spider off my shoe
THE AUDACITY. 😤
[first day working at DMV]
Me: I hope you like paperwork
Guy: I am not a fan
Me: *cautiously lifting paperweight* sounds like something a fan would say
I dropped a piece of cheese on the airplane and i know it rolled forward and some piece of shit in first class is enjoying it now
guy who ruins jokes: what are you cooking
chef: updog
guy who ruins jokes: oh i love that
People are so nosy, always asking me what I just injected into their neck. Don’t worry about it!
bella waking up at the end of breaking dawn part 1
SHOUT OUT TO ALL THE WEATHER REPORTERS RISKING LIFE & LIMB SO WE CAN ALL KNOW WHAT A 130MPH HURRICANE LOOKS LIKE IN THE DARK!
Found $10 in a pants pocket. It was awkward though because someone was still wearing it.
[anxiously trying to put wrinkly dollar bills in a mitten vending machine as an avalanche approaches]
people don’t get a second dog. they get their dog a dog
people will refuse to download tiktok because it’s a time suck but then spend four hours a day sending you reels on instagram that you saw on tiktok three months ago
A ballerina walks into a barre. Embarrassed, she splits.
What rhymes with Autoerotic Asphyxiation? Writing an obituary is hard.
Me teaching Wilderness Survival Class:
“OK EVERYBODY WATCH CAREFULLY AS I DRIVE *AWAY* FROM THE WILDERNESS.”
when you see my three typing dots linger there for a long time just know I’m fighting an epic battle with autocorrect
Who called it a psychic reading instead of prophet sharing?
Trevor eventually flunked out of dentistry school
My 5 year old was looking at the meerkats in the zoo amazed and I said “aren’t they so cute” and he was like “I want to cook the babies and make soup.”
Genie: you have three wishes
Me: I wish we never met
Genie: but then how would I grant…
Me: your problem