[dog park]
Dog: omg I just found out I’m adopted
Other Dogs: [barking in shock]
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Me: His breathing annoys me. Always with the in and out and back in again. Like, enough already.
Marriage Counsellor: …
Push me aside, but I will come back. Hide me, but I will always emerge.
I AM POWER.
I AM RESILIENCE.
I AM A BRA STRAP.
girlfriend: we need to talk
me: ok what’s up
girlfriend: I’m pregnant
me: OH AND I SUPPOSE THAT’S MY FAULT TOO
I’m hungry what’s for dinner I ask but there’s no one home except for the dog and he isn’t cooking so kibble and doggy biscuits it is.
Sheryl Crow: This ain’t no disco. This ain’t no country club either.
Sheryl Crow – The world’s worst archaeologist.
Just Once i’d like the Circus to Run Away with Me
One time I was trying to get a big game to run on an old computer but it didn’t have enough free memory so I compressed the hard drive, twice. That computer never worked again, in case you’re looking for an IT guy.
“Women & Children first” i yell heroically from the Dentist’s waiting room
To subscribe to the NY Times, all you do is enter some info online.
To cancel your subscription, all you have to do is call them, ask to cancel, be re-directed to the canceling department, enter a special code that was sent to your phone, do 20 jumping jacks, and die a little.
I accidentally used my wife’s fabric scissors to cut wrapping paper and now the cops are here. Jk she called John Wick
I just got an email offering “free bible verses”. You know, because who can afford bible verses?
How did Kim Kardashian get her hands on Liberace’s bath robe? #GrammysRedCarpet
Get your ski mask. We’re pulling off a popsicle factory heist. I got the strawberry shortcakes. Leave no creamsicle behind.
“Dad, I’ve heard that in some parts of Africa a man doesn’t know his wife until he marries her.”
“Son, that happens everywhere!”
The fact that no one on House Hunters has ever looked at a bathroom and said “I can picture myself taking a dump in here” is a tragically missed opportunity
Me: *accidentally types url wrong one time*
Navigation Bar: [every day for 15 years] Do you wanna go to Faceboot today? Huh? You wanna visit a boot with a face on it? Huh, you piece of shit? Is that what you wanna do? Moron.
Me: I’m going to eat healthy from now on
Pizza: *exists*
Me: never mind
ME: *tying hotdogs together*
Wife: I have the bologna shurikens cut out. We playing meat ninjas or not?
Me: CALM DOWN! THE NUNCHUCKS ARE ALMOST READY!
I’m not ready for the pandemic to be over…
I have yet to bake a single loaf of bread
My buddy telling me to invest in crypto I’m like dude I haven’t even figured out regular money yet
Family trip to a bookstore, and I see 10 pointing to a book and grinning.
Living Successfully with Screwed-Up People.
Me: Wise guy, I think I do this.
10: Successfully?
Hear me out: a switch blade but instead of sharp metal a meatball sandwich pivots out
I can’t believe I live in a world where our only defense against a blizzard is buying extra milk.
I giveth, and I taketh away. Why? Because I recycleth.
her: did you know makeup expires?
me: *spits mine out* what
Me: eats spicy Szechuan for lunch
My guts the next day: look, we’ve had this discussion before
I had abstinence-only sex education when I was in high school.
It was called Dungeons and Dragons.
*hands out free hug coupons in the mosh pit*
Waiter: Would you like regular or decaf?
Me: Do you want me to tip you with real money or Monopoly money?
jfc, the doctor doing my physical just asked if I was “that twitter guy” so I said “yup, I’m the funny twitter guy,” and he responded “I didn’t say funny.” We haven’t even gotten to the awkward part of this appointment yet 🙁