I took my meds at someone’s house the other day and they asked if I needed to take them with carbs I said no, and it’s been days and I still wish I said yes so they would have given me carbs
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Nelly Furtado: I’m like a bird, I’ll only fly away
A bird: you’ve got me there
Nelly: I don’t know where my soul is
A bird: pardon
[neighbourhood watch meeting]
john: i have some disturbing news, we have a cold-blooded killer in our community.
suzy: omg who could it be?
lizard: *basking in the sun* yea omg who could it be.
A horror movie, but it’s just me afraid to go into the kitchen after the kids made cookies by themselves for the first time
Damn it, my wife found the guy who’s been sneaking in at 11pm is the donut delivery guy. Guess I should stop pretending I’m having an affair with him.
ME: You see, I’m playing both sides
FLUTE INSTRUCTOR: how did you get the whole thing in your mouth
I stopped to tie my shoe at the airport and someone reported me as an unattended bag.
You gotta kiss a lotta frogs to get a lotta desperate late-night texts from frogs.
I hangout with different people each day so I can wear the same clothes for 3 days straight.
May you never experience disappointment like that of finding unmelted cheese on the second layer of nachos
4 said he went potty and I asked if it was number one or number two. He said number 7, and now I’m terrified to go into the bathroom.
80’s rap was like being in 5th grade and trying to find words that rhymed with “hat.”
Dirty Dancing is a really upsetting if you imagine it from the POV of Baby’s dad, a cardiologist who just desperately wanted a few weeks of peaceful vacation.
nurse: how do you rate your pain
me: zero stars
nurse:
me: would not recommend
Fun prank – this Christmas leave a charred skeleton wearing a Santa hat in the fire place for your kids to find.
Showering is the worst. You mean I’ve gotta clean this body AGAIN? Has it been rolling in the mud? No. It’s been checking emails and watching Netflix. It is now unpresentably filthy. Stand in this loud wet box and confront your mortal vessel. You can’t even play a phone game.
[Standards Bar]
Politician: Make it a double.
*at Pearly Gates
Cat (in dog costume): Uh bark
St. Peter: Mittens, I said no
On this edition of House Hunters: He rides the back of trash truck, she’s a nail tech. Their budget is $15M.
Let’s see what they can do!
*Sees feelings chasing me down.
*Builds wall of McDonald’s fries.
*Crisis averted.
GUY: Welcome to Assumption Club. The first rule is
ME: Yeah I think we got it thanks pal
GUY: [under breath] Holy shit this guy’s good
I told my grandmother to act her age…. then she died.
They say 1 out of every 5 humans is Chinese.
Out of me and my 4 siblings, I’m pretty sure it’s either Carl or Liu Yang.
*tides knock down my sand castle*
Me: [looks up at moon] now it’s personal [loads pistol]
I need to hire someone to follow me around and abruptly drag a needle across a record every time that I enter a room.
me: can i buy u a drink
girl: ladies drink free tonight, idiot
me:
girl:
me: can u buy me a drink
me: want to help me save the bees this weekend?
her: sure!
[later]
her: uhhh, this isn’t what i thought it would be
me: *pauses reading the bible to a beehive* what do you mean
I own a lot of Nike shirts for a guy who just bought a movie on iTunes so he wouldn’t have to get up and get the DVD from the other room.
The National Spelling Bee is on ESPN which makes sense because I remember that one year a kid pulled a hamstring trying to spell ‘scherenschnitte’.
STOP. PUTTING. DIARRHOEA. MEDICINE. ON. THE. BOTTOM. SHELF
People always say I make things sound sexual but I try not to pry them open and force my thick throbbing opinion down inside them.