At this point, HBO knows we’d watch any dragon show. Like: The King needs an heir to the throne that unites the 7 pillars of sanctity across the river of Borjovia, but encounters a dragon from Mt Draco that needs crystal fire blessed by the monks that own the local kebab shop.
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Yes, Barbie gave us unrealistic body standards. But she also gave us unrealistic expectations about boyfriends being willing to wear matching neon outfits and rollerblade with you.
My wife asked me to put ketchup on the shopping list.
Now I can’t read anything.
A younger man said I have a smokin hot body for an older woman…
I’m not sure if I should thank him or put him in a time-out.
JUDGE: your sentence will last for 5 years
ME: I can’t speak that slowly
Last New Year my resolution was 1920×1080 , this year it’s to be less of a nerd.
Just did the math and found out I can retire next year if I start saving $144,468.02 a month.
#NeverForget
I just called one ex a calculator and another a potential murder victim so if you’re looking for metaphors, I’m probably the grapefruit.
Grandkids are basically puppies for old people.
I hope I’m not the only one who hovers over someone when they use my favorite pen just so they know I’m serious about wanting it back.
A teacher grabbed my arm in the 3rd grade and pulled me to the back of the line. When I asked what I did, she said you know what you did. I’m 47 and I still don’t know.
Me: “Guys, we are leaving in 5 minutes.”
7yo: “Do I need to wear shoes?”
Me: “Yes.”
[4 minutes later]
7yo: “What about pants?”
in canada if you pat your pockets to show a hobo that you have no change and he hears your keys jingle, you have to give him your house.
Candles never taste the way they smell
Wanna stand off to the side of a golf gallery in a Teletubby costume
People always go, “Why can’t there ever be peace in the Middle East?”
We can’t even get FIVE DENTISTS to agree on a toothpaste. That’s why.
Happy Passive Aggressive day! Don’t worry, I didn’t want you to get me anything anyway. No, it’s fine. Don’t worry about it.
Why the hell would I use turn signals? I know where we’re going.
Slapping the TV remote on your knee extends the battery life.
It’s science.
My first thought when meeting new people is often how tiny they are and how security in this maternity ward sucks.
“Suicide Squad” looks like a bunch of people Avril Lavigne hangs out with.
We’re going to run out of sausage if no one ever wants to know how it’s made
Drove over 3 curbs today (personal best).
Her: could things get any worse?
Me: *adds raisins* there you go.
papa cloud: alright little fella, no more diapers
little cloud: *tinkling over desert*
papa: no no no! rainforest, buddy, rainforest!!
You know IT have given up when the error message reads ‘Something went wrong’.
I open a yogurt like I’m opening a coffin
Boss: And you’re not showing the new people around until you stop referring to the washroom as “where the magic happens”
“Hardly ever used. Ex husband was busy riding other things.” 👀
It’s so disorienting to eat a shrimp and gain it’s memories