You know you’ve ordered too much take-out when they give you three sets of plastic utensils.
You Might Also Like
I was talking to my wife last night. Man, it sounds like her husband is a real jerk.
Ok, so we’ve already made them resistant to reason and with an absolute disregard for their own safety. But what if we, and now hear me out, also made them incredibly fast?
—God, creating toddlers
No I can’t go questing today my squire has midterms.
Him: I’m breaking up with you
Me: is it because I constantly use my toes as fingers?
Him: yes
Me: *wipes a tear off of his face with my big toe* Okay
The baby just put her head on my chest and fell asleep…that means that I need to lose some weight because I shouldn’t be fat enough to be this comfortable
My daughter will send a bunch of 2 to 3 word texts in a row so my phone dings like there’s an angry customer at the front desk.
*sees burglar
*throws flashlight at him
*misses
*throws another
*misses
*throws another
*misses
*throws another
Burglar: WTF
Me: COSTCO
Me singing: Then I saw her face!! Now I’m a Beliber! Not a trace of doubt in my mind!
Roommate: You DO know that’s a guy…right?
If Usher ever worked in a theater, his nametag could be “Usher Usher.” I’m sorry for that joke but I’m actually addicted to the send button.
Barista: Did you hear Netflix is raising its price $2 a month?
Me: Ridiculous! I won’t pay it!
B: here’s your coffee. $12.32
M: thank you
My boys from the living room:
“I’m telling mom!”
Me from the bedroom:
“don’t come tell mom shit!”
How many wicks would John Wick wick if John Wick could wick wicks?
Me every day: You kids drive me insane. I need a break.
Me before a kid-free trip: I CAN’T LEAVE MY LITTLE SUGAR PLUMS
Every old house is haunted, but some ghosts are just clumsier than others.
COVID-19, economic collapse, quarantine, shortages…2020 can’t get any worse, you said?
Facebook has announced it’s created rooms for Messenger.
God help us.
So we asked papa johns to write a joke on our pizza
yeah i have a drinking problem. it’s called dehydration
My 5 year old said he was looking for a treasure chest but I thought he said cheddar chest and for a brief moment life as a pirate sounded beautiful
Waking up an hour early gives you an extra hour to wish you were still in bed.
Restaurant review: the food definitely breaks apart when you chew it. Menu has letters. People were there too.
Person: so, how are we today?
Me: well, I dunno about you, but I’m fine, thanks
[first day as diving instructor]
Guy [from the back]: what’s the signal for a shark
Me: sharks don’t really give signals they just show up
‘Head, shoulders, knees and toes’ used to be a lot more cheery when I wasn’t singing about what hurt on a morning.
Me: why aren’t you studying?
My kid: I didn’t see you coming.
[first day working at the pizzeria]
Me [cheeks full like a hamster]: boss, we’ve run out of everything
I love sipping margaritas by the pool. Or, as my neighbor with a pool calls it, “Trespassing.”
Wife: whats that?
Son: I painted a picture of a cat
Wife: it’s very good
Me: if it was very good you wouldn’t have needed to ask what it was
[hospital]
“Will dad ever wake from his coma?”
WIFE: Of course dear [loudly] LET’S GO HOME TO ORGANIZE & RE-ARRANGE HIS TOOLS
DAD: I’M UP
me other days of the year: amazon is evil
me on prime day: holy shit 70% off??
“I love it when we finish each other.”
“You mean: other’s sentences?”
“No.”