AN INSANE PERSON: I want to drink vegetables
THE MAKERS OF V8: Hey
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Me: I know panty hose are a little dated but I love how they even out my skin tone
Bank Teller: So is this not a robbery?
Me: No, It is
The problem with studying ancient Chinese art is I want some Mexican art a half an hour later.
Wonders if chickens do the funky people.
me: check out that beach body
other forensic detective: stop calling it that
This “band-aid” is bugging me 🤣
DA: Where r my legal briefs?
Paralegal *hands him his boxers*
Judge: lol
Jury: We’re hung
Judge: ha!
DA: Balls in your court
Judge: DO MORE!
The 4 stages after getting dumped…
1) Waiting cuz u thinks it’s temporary.
2) Throwing in the towel.
3) Getting a cat.
4) Revenge.
The pen can’t be mightier than the sword if actions speak louder than words. Someone needs to make their damn mind up here!
Cupcakes are amazing, because holding a full size cake up to your face isn’t socially acceptable for some reason.
“It’s terminal-”
GOD! HOW LONG DO I HAVE?
“Departure time is in three hours.”
THREE? WHAT DO I DO?
“This is an airport.”
SO WHAT? I’M DYING!
When the party host collects everyone’s coats and throws them on their bed, I just stay in mine and take a nap among the jackets.
Laser hair removal? Uhhh, why would anyone with laser hair ever want to get it removed?
I prefer the term “quirky”, it sounds less diagnosable.
“Forgive me father, for I have pinned.”
Relationship status: Getting dirty is always a reference to food stains.
I keep hearing it takes a village to raise a child. Do they just show up or is there a number to call?
It’s been 22 years. I think they can’t find me.
[looking at our kids baby photos]
me: ugh, this one came out real bad
wife: oh yeh, just get rid of it
me: ok. *shouting* TIMMY! PACK YOUR BAGS
Capitalism is controlled by an “invisible hand” that gives most people the invisible finger.
For the record ladies, your insecurities about your bodies is a bigger turn off to guys than your bodies ever could be.
In Germany Die Hard is called The Hard
Why is it when you take a break from Twitter everyone assumes you’re happy and in love…
Maybe I was in jail.
Before I go out binge drinking I always eat a stick of butter. It doesn’t do anything I just make really poor life choices.
Rome fell because it was run by idiots who used letters as numbers.
Kids: Stay in school.
me: [walks into a darkened room of people holding hands around a table] what are you guys doing
psychic: *whispers* seance
me: ance
[my funeral]
sister: did you know about this?
mom: [watching my pallbearers dressed like the ninja turtles carry my casket] it’s what he wanted
Me: I need to see a supervisor
Hat Shop Employee: Excellent choice, Ma’am
Proud of my 9yo, who took 9 whole years to learn where we keep the dish towels.
Just so you know – you’re not the first one to make the sign of the cross when watching me eat
Don’t you have anyone you can talk to? – me as a therapist