*first year living alone*
Me: *runs out of bedroom on Christmas Day to find no presents* what
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I’ve seen your area rug, and you sir are not single.
america famously invented speed limits during the cold war, back when they didn’t trust anyone that was rushin’
They say money talks, but mine barely gets a chance to introduce itself before it’s gone.
My million dollar invention is a microwave that stops beeping when you yell, “I hear you!” from across the house.
A computer game where you go back in time with a gun to kill Adam; it’s a first person shooter.
[knocking on the castle door during a battle] My boss said you guys have to give all our arrows back now
SHARK—i bit 82 ppl this year
OCTOPUS—hold my beer hold my beer hold my beer hold my beer hold my beer hold my beer hold my beer hold my beer
Why isn’t Yosemite pronounced like Vegemite?
Nerds were always ugly or goofy looking. Then from nowhere emerged the hot girl nerd and the limitations of Nerdom crumpled before our eyes.
okay run it by me one more time
Christian: You need Jesus in your life
Me: But I can’t find him
Jesus: *Hiding in a cave, giggling*
Me: Liquor then beer, hit a deer
Cop: Please get out of the vehicle
The six year old has started saying “wanna hear a joke” and then reciting various compound words like “watermelon. water. melon. GET IT?!” and i always laugh but just between you and me i don’t get it
Men pick a hairstyle at 15 and call it good until baldness or death.
[Baby trying to say first words]
Baby: b..bu
Me: cmon son
Baby: bu..bu..s
Wife: Yes sweetheart
Baby: Bush did 9/11
Me[tearing up]: He knows
That awkward moment when mom says 3 is the perfect number of kids to have, but you’re her 4th
No, 2013, you were not the worst year. But thank you for trying.
When you’re Kinky but poor
Now that I’ve removed my windshield wipers I shouldn’t be getting anymore parking tickets.
“Don’t make eye contact, honey. We don’t want any trouble with them.”
Funny how we say “I drank a *pot* of coffee” instead of “I drank fourteen cups of coffee and chased the cat around the hot tub with a sword”
[at my funeral]
ventriloquist: please don’t judge me, he paid me a lot of money to do this
me: hi everybody!
3rd eye: youre on drugs
4th eye: youre a nerd
5th-7th eyes: ???
8th eye: you are now a spider
9th eye: spider on drugs
16th eye: nerd spider
A wireless bra? They weren’t tricky enough, now I need a password?
I hope Kim and Kanye surprise everyone and name this next kid something like Bill or Jen
Justin Timberlake postponing his Buffalo show Sat. & then going on Fallon is like that time I called in sick & tweeted a selfie on a boat.
I put my thing down, flip it and reverse it
– me, plugging in a USB
[At Vision Center]
Receptionist: Which Doctor would you like to see?
Me: I’d like to be able to see all of them. That’s why I’m here.
*security rushes to the department store fitting room to break up a fight but just finds me trying to squeeze into a pair of jeans.