In the Ben Affleck version, Batman’s parents kill themselves.
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me: lol you only hurt the ones you love
murderer: OMG shut up
nothing saves money like being antisocial
I’m literally crying
Guy: [strolling along] Well, at least I have my heal- *piano falls on his head*
Me: [leaning out my apartment window] Oh no! My piano!
Yesterday I asked my kindergartener what she did in school and she said “nothing,” then later I went on Instagram and her teacher had posted a picture of her holding a crocodile.
I probably should’ve said, “Congrats on your 4th child!” instead of “Halfway there, OctoMom”.
If I don’t get an A for my daughter’s school project, I’m gonna be pissed.
GOP threatens to shutdown government unless Obama changes color of skin.
[alternate universe]
Aladdin: 🎵 The Exact Same World🎵
SON: Why did mommy leave?
ME: You know how in your fav movie the t-rex fights the velociraptors even though it might die?
SON: Yeah
ME: She said that shit was fake yo
INTERVIEWER: u put “whiskey” as a reference?
ME: ope i thought it said preference
do u think theres a butter planet?
My husband just got to level three on netflix: “faking an illness” to finish binge watching
I’m on level 6: “faking your own abduction”
me: i should go to sleep
brain: read every political tweet that’s ever been written. let the rage fuel you. sleep is for the weak
Please be gentle with me I used to be a baby
I texted my husband about all the sex I’m expecting for my birthday and accidentally sent it to my MIL. She just responded that she’s already made other plans that day.
Heard someone say their charcuterie house looks too good to eat and I don’t think they know how cheese works.
Did I save this free pizza promo code or did it just save me?
me: i’ll have the steak
waiter: this is a vegan restaurant
me: ok i’ll have the vegan
God: Build me an ark.
Noah: A what?
God *pinching his nose*: A big boat.
Noah *looking around the desert*: A what?
not to get all political on here but i’m pretty sure strawberry and blueberry pop-tarts taste exactly the same.
If you have a choice between ugly or fat, remember this.
You can turn the lights out on ugly, but you can always feel the fat in the dark.
I just had a near sex experience.
My wife flashed before my eyes.
Q: Which US President has the most trouble keeping his eyes open?
A: Abe Blinkin’
Come on down to Professor Cookie’s Very Good Joke Store where you can find very good jokes like this one.
If you want to know what cereal you don’t have ask one of the kids what they want for breakfast.
KID: I drew you a picture!
ME: What’s this?
KID: Our house.
ME: What’s the orange stuff?
KID: Fire.
ME: Why’s the house on fire?
KID: I want a PS4.
When I see a guy sleeping on an unfolded cardboard box, I never know if he’s homeless or just tired from breakdancing.
My ex just sneezed and I accidentally said “bless you”.
Now she is staring at the bushes confused and wondering who said that.
*Buys a bunch of wooden letters*
Cashier: Feeling crafty?
Me: Nope, just trying to make a name for myself.