My son: I need a nap, I’m so tired.
Me: Aw buddy – didn’t sleep good last night?
My son: no, I just couldn’t sleep in class today like I usually do.
Me:
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*pours a bucket of water into the ocean*
You’re free now
Two hard boiled eggs I left on the table before going to wash hands?
I just washed my car in my driveway and people sped up instead of slowing down.
2 goldfish are in a tank. One looks at the other and says “YOU MAN THE GUNS, I’LL DRIVE!”
HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!
(I’m not deleting this)
People mock Snapchat, but I spent the first 36 yrs of my life wondering how my friends would look as rainbow alien puppies AND NOW I KNOW.
If I was a bus driver and someone came driving like a manic up to my moving bus screaming “bomb” I’d probably hit the brakes and explode.
[my coffin lowering into the grave]
wait guys shouldn’t I be dead
[coffin starts lowering faster]
*Looks left*
*Looks right*
*Crosses road*
*Gets run over by chicken*
Just found a best-by date of Oct 1623 on some apple juice so we probably oughta not drink that
According to WebMD, given my symptoms, I died 9 years ago.
One does not simply become a master of karate. First, you must accidentally walk into a spider web.
‘That one hates me – I’ll lay on him.’
~cats
This weekend, my wife & I reached our goal of losing 70 pounds together. But we gained it back when we picked up the kids from my parents.
So your kid can speak 3 languages?
That’s great. Mine can speak lizard.
the boss has a new hairpiece and i’m trying real hard not to laugh
Hate to brag, but a cute fireman gave me his number today. It’s only 3 digits & he said it’s only for emergencies, but I know what he meant
People think i am so incapable of doing anything on my own that even if i commit suicide they would say it was murder.
Body by sandwich.
I may not be able to out run the zombies when they come, but this cheeseburger is going to make me taste great
I have poor night vision so I upgraded to LED headlights because it’s important to me to ensure nobody else can see either.
Shark week, but for squirrels.
I always feel better when my doctor says something is normal for my age but then think dying will also be normal for my age at some point.
Me: I’m terrified of random letters
Therapist: You are?
Me: (Screams)
Therapist: I see
Me: (Scream intensifies)
Just posted missing flyers of my cheeseburger all around the neighborhood. So far, no cheeseburger. It’s as if people don’t even care.
Whoever said the sound of a zipper going down was the sexiest sound has obviously never heard a new bag of Doritos being opened.
if we all just stop paying bills at the same time what they gon do
hey I just met you
and this is crazy
but I’m going to argue with another stranger in your mentions
for hours maybe
roses are red
violets are blue
i hate the sounds
you make when you chew
Finding a guy to marry who is rich enough to pay off my debt, but not so rich he wants a prenup is, like, so much harder than I anticipated.
when i die i wanna come back as a gerbil because they’re so cuddly and are notoriously vindictive, grudge-holding creatures