Dance like you aren’t depressed. Sing like you didn’t kill that homeless guy. Love like you don’t have herpes.
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Hub: I have to go to the doctor.
Me: Is it your eyes?
Hub: Yes!
Me: Is your vision blurry?
Hub: Yes!!
Me: You’re wearing my contacts.
RIP the dinosaurs. Can’t believe it’s 65 million years already.
Always in my thoughts
2010: Didn’t jog
2011: Didn’t jog
2012: Didn’t jog
2013: Didn’t jog
2014: Haven’t jogged~ This is a running joke
me: my doctor said to replace oil with applesauce to be healthier
mechanic: [looking at my car’s smoking engine] i think he just meant in food
Lady paid me $50 to paint the name “Inspiration” on her boat because “that’s what she is”
Considering writing “The Sea Word” instead.
therapist: your chart says you identify as a narcissist?
me: no no, i said arsonist
therapist: ok great, I’ll correct that now
me: the best arsonist this world has ever seen
I just took enough Vicodin to kill a medium-sized Chipmunk. RIP Roy. Roy’s the hypothetical Chipmunk. I named him. Has anyone seen my legs??
“i saw your ex” – a truly unnecessary piece of information
My husband wants to make cauliflower crust pizza so now I have to run to the grocery store and find a new husband.
Imagine this: you’re home alone and you sneeze. Suddenly the phone rings and you answer, then someone whispers “Bless you” and hangs up
Seductively sings in Klingon.
king: the gods are angry with us
advisor: let’s throw a virgin into the volcano
king: how would that help
advisor: [throwing stephen in] help what
ME: These frog testicles are delicious!
GIRLFRIEND: Those are peas.
Forever 21 has gone bankrupt.
One more Forever that didn’t last.
Me: Do you want kids?
Date: Yes! Definitely.Me: How many?
Date: Ideally two. A boy and a girl.Me: Perfect. I’ll drop them off on Saturday. Good luck.
You buy eight gift bags once, and exchange them back and forth with your family forever.
Met a guy from Iraq today who grew a full beard as I was meeting him.
Gotta love those girls in department stores wearing lab coats–taking time away from their experiments to help women out with their makeup.
me 10m after sprinkling lavender essential oil on my pillow: I am one with all beings
me 10m after getting in my car: learn how to use the left lane you piece of human shit
I gave up my aisle seat and took a middle seat so a mother and her son could sit together. It was ten minutes of feeling good about myself followed by three hours of hating a perfectly nice little boy.
The trick to taking your toddler to a movie is making sure there is another toddler in the theatre who is behaving worse.
SEVEN DEADLY SINS
Lust
Gluttony
Greed
Sloth
Wrath
Envy
Calling me instead of just texting
Why aren’t more people mating with scientists? It’s like they don’t even want to bring dinosaurs back.
synchronized noseblowing
T-shirts I own: 384835³
T-shirts I wear: 6
By far the dumbest thing I’ve made
you pass by on your run. i’m on the front porch hacking into my neighbors neurolink and having him wash my dad’s van
[lost in Spain]
Wife: ask that man where we are
Me [pretending to speak Spanish with a local]: gracias
Wife: well?
Me: we are in Spain
My girlfriend told me I was getting sex today. Oops. I better not jinx it.
*knocks on morning wood*