PILOT: if you look out the window you’ll see we’re cruising at 35,000 feet
[i look out the window]
[THE SKY IS FULL OF FEET JESUS CHRIST]
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If I was a kitty, I would smack you off the table.
Watching Jeopardy backwards would be about a panel of 3 people asking Alex Trebek questions that he always gets right.
Is LSD illegal or just frowned upon? Asking for a giant purple rabbit.
Endless love does not extend to my root beer float. That second straw is decorative.
At Olive Garden my 9 year old told the server, “Compliments to the chef!” Then he leaned too far and fell backward out of his chair.
Every time I watch, “The Shining” I am overwhelmed by how sweet a gig he has.
T-REX: So you going to Tim’s surprise party?
TIM TRICERATOPS (behind them): My what?
RAPTOR: More like Tyrannosaurus Wrecks EVERYTHING
[wedding]
The devil has been collecting souls for 200,000 years and still hasn’t found his soulmate, but *raises glass* I’m glad you found yours. Congrats Tina and John.
More photos of empty shelves in stores please, I love seeing the shelving infrastructure of each store.
According to all these BMI charts…
I DEFINITELY need to get taller next year.
A young Lil’ Wayne sits alone typing lyrics into Word 97 when a cartoon paperclip suddenly appears on-screen.
[Did you mean “digger”?]
My husband took away all my son’s devices before he left for work this morning, so I guess he wants to test the strength of our marriage.
I’m gonna be upset when HBO starts killing off Sesame Street characters one by one Game Of Thrones style.
My wife asked me why I was speaking so softly at home. I told her I was afraid Mark Zuckerberg was listening! She laughed. I laughed. Alexa laughed. Siri laughed.
Neighbor just yelled at me for playing in his sprinkler.
Note to self, I should wear clothes next time.
*sets up booth, hangs up sign “$5 Mustache Rides!” *nobody shows up.
I knew I shouldn’t have named the damn pony ‘mustache’
My husband gets into the holiday spirit by saying JESUS CHRIST over and over while putting up the Christmas tree.
God *creates slugs* meant to do this a while ago
Slug: So you’re saying you’re….sluggish haha
God *creates salt*
Girl next to me had her bag on the seat, didn’t move it when I politely asked her to so I’ve sat on it…
him: hey have you ever seen house
her: house?
him: yeah like doctor house
me, walking by: [helpfully] it’s called a hospital
*escorted from Starbucks
I SWEAR, I LEFT MY SCARF IN THE CAR!
Whoever invented the carpet sweeper probably died laughing.
*At the Canadian Citizenship Exam*
Proctor: Your exam begins now and you have 1 hour to complete —
Me: *jumps out of desk and begins guzzling bottles of maple syrup* How many do I have to finish in an hour to pass?
“have you heard about the Nu covid variant”
“no, what’s it called?”
“the Nu variant”
“yeah what’s it called”
“no, it’s literally spelled N U, Nu”
“haha wow, who named it that?”
“yes”
I threw old quinoa under my feeder and now the squirrels are walking around in Lululemon pants and requesting coconut water.
financial advisor: what are your retirement goals?
me:
If you marry someone a few years older, one thing they love is when any classic rock song comes on and you ask “Is this Led Zeppelin?”
Her: I read on Facebook…
Me: I’m going to stop you there.
I put my height in my tinder bio and 6 men unmatched with me…..i’m gonna break into y’alls houses and put all the remotes on top of the fridge