Strength training is a great form of anger management cause I can’t scream and yell when I have an injured back!
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flight attendant: sir, are you raising your hand
me: how do i access the wifi
fa: im doing safety announcements
me: is that lowercase
Take a day off. Pamper yourself. Visit a spa. Pour melted wax on ur body. Rip the hair out by the roots. Inject poison into ur face. Relax.
Me: “Are you even listening to me?”
My son:
Our wedding pic looks like my wife’s selfie photo bombed by me.
When the internet is down I turn my bed into a make-believe boat and play Life of Pi with the cat
DARTH VADER: “And, this is from when I was six and my parents took me to the beach on- Hey! Why are you guys laughing?”
Me: bathe me in the dust of those I have devoured
Friend: are you talking to your Cheetos
Somewhere, some Nigerian lawyer is wondering why you’re not sending him the personal information that he needs to give you your inheritance
Me: “ahhh there’s the money shot”
Sniper: would you get your chin off my shoulder?
A spider just tried to crawl across my hand and now how do you extract a fork from bone without causing more damage?
Batman: can I have some fettuccine alfredo
Alfred: right away, Bruce-o
It’s 2035:
By law, all burglar alarms are fitted with projectors so burglars are distracted by dancing Tupac holograms until police arrive.
I have just one word for beautiful women with questionable morals, poor decision making skills and an insatiable sex drive,
“Hi”.
My neighbor’s wife put him on a diet so I’m slingshotting pretzel balls over the fence like a true bro
Not wearing glasses anymore. I’ve seen enough
marriage is so goth. it’s like “I’m in this until DEATH” jfc dude settle down
I’m pretty like a car crash.
*watches wife take out ice cream
*watches wife scoop ice cream into bowl
*watches wife eat ice cream
Me: SO WHATCHA DOIN’
12yo: can I play video games?
Me: no, come chat with me
12yo: ok what’s corp? The boys were talking about “corn with a p” at school
Me: go play video games
My stylist: Your hair is dry and damaged.
Me: Hey! I think it’s fine.
My stylist: Yes, that too.
I interviewed 300 high achievers about their morning routine, and you will never believe, they all have inherited family wealth.
me: “beetle rabbit”
boss: “that’s a terrible idea for a cartoon”
jim who always steals my ideas but makes them better somehow: “bugs bunny?”
“I’m so sorry about your grandma passing away. If there’s anything I can do, just name it.”
“How are your resurrecting skills?”
So I adopted a bunny today ❤ everyone meet Mr. Whiskers.
Everyone hated math in high school, but when y’all get screwed on your pay check.
BOOM, suddenly you know algebra and calculus
They found Richard III’s skeleton in a parking lot. Time stamp on the ticket stub indicates he owes $8,432,773.
Because I’m on a health journey, I’m no longer looking for a sugar daddy, I’m now looking for a protein papa. Don’t make this weirder than I already have.
9: The remote isn’t working
me: Did you smack it?
9: Yep
me: Did you push the button down really hard?
9: Yep
me: Well I’m out of ideas
I never wanted to be a member of the Addams Family for Halloween because my fingers would be raw from snapping them the whole night.
*Walking with wife listening to Dust In The Wind*
Me: This is our song.
*A dude walks by listening to it*
Me: That’s OUR song! GIVE IT BACK!